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Do you think Richard Hammond is single?

Dear Holly,

I’ve just come out of a long and tempestuous relationship and I’m worried about getting back into the dating game. Although I am strikingly attractive, it is pretty obvious that I am more high maintenance than a Formula 1 racing car. I need a man who appreciates that with great beauty and power comes the risk of a fatal car crash. Do you think Richard Hammond is single?

Nicole Scherzinger

London

Dear Nicole,

In prehistoric times, before my mummy and daddy got together, you used to have to actually go on dates with people and ask them questions about their morals and check out if they had halitosis or BO before getting married. Thankfully, because of iPhones and social media and the increasing threat of Ebola, you don’t actually have to meet anyone in person, EVER. So as long as your heavily edited Facebook profile makes you appear delightful it doesn’t matter if you are actually a dreadful headbanger.

Hope that helps,

Holly

Clegg changes first name to ‘Ryan’

NICK Clegg has kick-started the Lib Dem election campaign by changing his first name to ‘Ryan’.

The self-styled deputy prime minster said the name change would be the only thing in his party’s manifesto and make everyone in Britain ‘incredibly excited’.

Clegg insisted his new name would transform the NHS and that rich people and big companies would pay more tax to someone called Ryan because ‘they just want to be part of something cool and sexy’.

He added: “UKIP and the Tories want to take us back to the days of ‘Alf’ and ‘Stan’. Labour is now the party of ‘Caleb’ and ‘Finn’. The SNP wants everyone to be named ‘Kenny’ and, given the chance, the Green Party will change your first name to ‘Manure Production Facility’.

“Ryan is obviously much better than all of those. Especially Finn.”

Martin Bishop, who lives in Clegg’s Sheffield constituency, said: “I just hope it’s not too late. When he broke his promise on student fees I said he had to change his name to Ryan, or possibly Idris.

“I will vote for him, but only because it’s so unbelievably cool and sexy.”

Meanwhile, Clegg also announced that business secretary Vince Cable has changed his first name to ‘Channing’.

 

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