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Ask Holly: Noel Edmonds told me I could be young forever

Dear Holly,

A few years ago, Noel Edmonds came to see me backstage after an S-Club gig and told me I could be young forever if I would promise to serve him when the time was right. Naively, I agreed, and he gave me a mysterious bottle of something which tastes a bit like blood but keeps me looking 25. But now I’m in trouble, because he has returned and is demanding I do his bidding and slip some poison into the food I cook for Greg and John on next week’s episode of Masterchef. What should I do? I’ve got such lovely thighs. 

Rachel

London

Dear Rachel, 

You’re being blackmailed and so you need to do what the blackmailer is asking you to do or things will be very bad for you. The best defence against the evil blackmailer (aka your big sister) is to quietly get some information which will enable you to counter-blackmail and thus break their hold on you and ensure your parents never ever find out that you were the one who coloured in the dog’s whole head with a red sharpie.

Hope that helps,

Holly

Rooney ends disappointing 119 cap, 53 goal England career

WAYNE Rooney’s record-breaking international career was actually pretty shit when it comes down to it, football experts have concluded.

Despite scoring more goals than Bobby Charlton and appearing for his country more times than Bobby Moore, pundits cannot remember anything distinguished Rooney did in the England shirt beyond wiping his nose on its sleeve.

Tom Booker of website Global Soccer said: “Apart from him stamping on the gonads of some Portuguese player back in the 2006 World Cup, I’m racking my brains to think of anything remotely useful he ever did.

“Sure, he scored lots of goals but weren’t most of them against Andorra and San Marino in walkover qualifiers, so they don’t count.

“Face it, you might as well have had Wayne Sleep playing in his position all those years. And he wouldn’t have got sent off as often.

“It is altogether possible that his greatest performance for his country was in his debut in an honourable 1-3 home defeat against soccer giants Australia in 2003, where he scampered about in a promising sort of way.

“After that, however, he tried gallantly but ultimately failed to do anything of any significance whatsoever.”

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