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Ask Holly: Love Actually represents everything wrong with popular culture

Dear Holly, 

I’m suffering from immense feelings of self-doubt and isolation: everyone is raving about the Love Actually reunion and yet the original film was utterly, utterly bland. It was nothing but a pile of corporate skid-marked pants. In fact, Love Actually represents everything that is wrong with popular culture. Why are we celebrating this bland, pedestrian garbage???

Ed Sheeran

Suffolk

Dear Ed,

My teacher, Edwina Pringle, probably has Love Actually in her top three films. Ms Pringle is really old – at least 32 – and she doesn’t have a husband for some reason so she’s into yoga in a big way. She’s also got a profile on match.com, but so have all the other teachers, even the married ones. We tried to make Ms Pringle fall in love with the man who came to repair the Smart Board but he was a bit fat and you could see his hairy bum crack when he bent over.  The whole class sang It Must Be Love in our sweet young voices as their eyes met across the room and it was so poignant and magical but Ms Pringle must be really picky because she told us all to shut up and get on with our work.

Hope that helps,

Holly

First class on regional trains not like Orient Express, man discovers

THE first class sections of regional trains do not feature the opulent luxury and fine dining experiences of the Orient Express, a man has found.

Hoover salesman Roy Hobbs upgraded due to his Midland Arrivo train from Tamworth to Stoke being unbearably packed, but did not feel he was treated as a member of the glamorous international elite.

Hobbs said: “I was looking forward to relaxing in a posh armchair and pouring some whisky from a decanter, but when I got to first class it was almost identical to the pit of human misery I’d just come from.

“It was less busy, but there were no waiters in white tuxedos or antique lamps, just tired-looking men in cheap suits using spreadsheets in a sad way.

“I searched for the bar, where I planned to flirt with an attractive divorcee, but suddenly found myself back in standard with teenage goths and their dogs.”

He added: “When the ticket collector arrived I asked if lobster thermidor was on the menu in the dining car, but he just looked confused.”

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