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Ask Holly: I've been married to Catherine Zeta Jones for 15 years, please help me

Dear Holly,

I’ve been married to Catherine Zeta Jones for 15 years. Please help me.

Michael

Los Angeles

Dear Michael,

When I grow up I’m going to marry Beyonce because my teacher says ladies are allowed to marry other ladies now. I’d choose Beyonce because she’s got loads of sparkly things I could borrow and we could do loads of mental dancing in the living room and make Jay-Z do stuff for us like go to Asda and buy us Toffee Crisps and clean all of Beyonce’s hair out of the plug hole and do the washing up and press play on our Charlie and Lola DVD so we can just lie there eating sweets. That would be marital bliss.

Hope that helps,

Holly

Wearing jeans prevents you from getting old

WEARING denim can ward off old age and even prevent death altogether, it has emerged.

By wearing a pair of Levi 501s after the age of 50 you can expect to prolong your youth indefinitely and not have to worry about the ravages of senility.

Experts said jeans offset the effects of excessive alcohol and tobacco, even hard drugs, which can be enjoyed to the maximum in the knowledge that the jeans will protect you.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “For a long time we thought this was just the weak-minded, wishful thinking of poodle-haired old men.

“Now, thanks to experiments involving wrapping elderly rats in denim patches and monitoring their impressive survival rates, we realise it is scientific fact.

“Did you know that Simon Cowell was actually born in 1912? And Jeremy Clarkson in 1897?”

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