Ask Holly: It's time to wreak vengeance and put an apocalypse into action

Dear Holly,

I’ve been taking a back seat in world affairs for a few hundred years but things have been deteriorating fast recently: the US Republican candidate race; the migrant crisis; Leicester City winning the Premier League…even Game of Thrones is becoming a little bit shit. So it’s time to wreak vengeance and put an apocalypse into action. I was thinking of appearing to Bernie Sanders and asking him to build an ark. Good plan?

God

Heaven

Dear God,

There should be more children’s programmes dealing with apocalyptic themes. Peppa Pig would spend less time jumping in muddy puddles and more time helping her feckless father to stockpile antibiotics and dig trenches; Charlie and Lola might not be so middle-class and annoying if forced to defend themselves against a blood-thirsty gang of looters… and those dogs from Paw Patrol might stop wasting all their time rescuing daft mute chickens if they were drafted in to clear corpses and set up a perimeter.

Hope that helps,

Holly

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Commuters delighted at train delays for actual reason

LONDON commuters delayed for hours by a fire on the tracks at Vauxhall are thrilled that there is a genuine reason for once.

The fire in signalling cables beneath the tracks has left thousands happily stranded while marvelling at the clear operation of cause and effect for the first time in living memory.

Recruitment consultant Carolyn Ryan said: “A fire! A real one, with smoke and everything!

“It’s almost a privilege to be delayed by that, instead of unspecified staffing problems or a sudden, mysterious shortage of platforms.

“I can’t wait to see the jealous faces in the office when I walk in four hours late because of an actual burning fire and not just the vagaries of capitalism.

“Maybe I’ll smear my face with burnt cork. Really hammer it home.”

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