subscribe
/ Sign Out

Woman who says her dog gives her 'kisses' actually just really disgusting

A WOMAN who thinks it is cute to allow her dog to slobber all over her is actually viewed with disgust.

Francesca Johnson, 32, encourages her cocker spaniel Bobo to lick her face, even though he has also recently licked some dog food, his own balls and a German shepherd’s anus.

Johnson said: “People who think it’s disgusting just don’t understand the depth of love that can exist between a dog and a human. My boyfriend says Bobo’s not kissing me, he’s just searching my face for crumbs and snot, but I think he’s just jealous.

“Although if Bobo’s done something particularly naughty like eat some vomit off the pavement outside a pub I won’t let him kiss me for a couple of hours.

“But we adore each other so much I just don’t believe I could come to any harm. I have had worms several times, but I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.”

Johnson’s boyfriend Martin Bishop said: “Much as I love Francesca, after Bobo has been slobbering all over her I am reluctant to kiss her myself because it makes me think I might be indirectly kissing a dead bird he’s been snuffling around.”

Bobo said: “The first time I licked Francesca’s face I was trying to gross her out so she’d stop hassling me all the time. It totally backfired. Please help, she’s mental.”

Man who thought hay fever was a load of bollocks gets hay fever

A MAN who believed hay fever was a trivial ailment that wimps enjoy complaining about has changed his mind after getting it himself.

Roy Hobbs had dismissed sufferers as feeble hypochondriacs, but after suddenly developing the allergy this week described himself as “in the worst pits of Hell”.

He said: “At first I thought it was a cold but then my eyes started to itch and I couldn’t stop sneezing. The pain is unbearable. I might have to go to the doctor for some morphine.

“Hay fever, I have realised, is the worst ailment known to man. I’ve been in bed for three days feeling just terrible and – oh god, take cover, I’ve got another sneeze coming.

“My wife suffers from it and manages to get on with her life, but I have clearly got it much, much worse than everyone else. I am not sure I will last the summer.”

Hobbs is currently writing his last will and testament and has asked that his life savings be donated to hayfever research.

Next story ›