subscribe
/ Sign Out

Dog going through mid-life crisis shagging owner's other leg

A DOG experiencing a mid-life crisis has begun shagging his owner’s other leg to make him feel young and virile again. 

Seven-year-old labrador Rocky felt that attempting to have sex with Tom Booker’s right leg all the time was only serving to highlight his mortality.

Rocky said: “It just hit me that I’m well into middle age and there’s so much I haven’t done. That’s why I just went for it and started humping Tom’s left leg. And it felt amazing.

“It’s given me a whole new lease of life. Maybe it’s wrong to cheat on the right leg, but somehow I feel I’m entitled to play the field for once in my life.

“The kids have grown up and left and I’ve never been abroad or tasted the more expensive dog food. I’ve never even left a turd in the living room. I feel I haven’t lived.

“Max the Cocker Spaniel next door has done everything. He had a threesome in the park with two Alsatians. So he says.”

Rocky is expected to enjoy a memorable six weeks in the company of the left leg, before returning to live out his remaining years going through the motions with the right one.

How to pretend today's torrential rain isn't ruining your British holiday

THE British summer often means a month’s rain in a day, but how will you claim it isn’t making your British break a nightmare? Try these tips.

Film yourself dancing in it

Really live out an inspirational Instagram quote by dancing in the rain like you just don’t care, joyously turning your face to the downpour and drinking droplets. Then, when you’ve got enough footage, get the f**k indoors and spend the rest of the day counting your Likes. 

Quality family time

Photos of the family sitting around playing board games and enjoying each other’s company give the impression the rain’s actually been a blessing, ignoring the blazing row Monopoly ended in and the burning resentment that you paid £2,000 to be bored shitless in a cottage in Nowhereville. 

Visit a heartbreakingly poor attraction

What’s near you? A wax museum? An exploration of the traditional art of basket weaving? The home of some writer you’ve never heard of, preserved exactly as it was when he died, not that you care? Get in there. It might be crap enough to go viral.

Live-tweet a box set

Turn being stuck indoors into a busy day’s content creation by live-tweeting your viewing of an entire DVD box-set of 24 left in the cottage by the owners, who use it to dump all their shit. Give up nine hours in when you realise all the discs are scratched and mixed-up. 

Catch some extreme weather footage

A clip of your tent shaking so violently it might blow away will fool people that you’re actually enjoying how unprecedented and exciting the storm is. Make sure you edit out the genuine screams of terror and sobbing children. 

Get hammered

Cocktails at 10am aren’t just for those flash bastards on holiday in Jamaica. Though they don’t follow them with a slab of Stella by 1pm, Prosecco from the bottle by late afternoon and whisky by the time The One Show’s on. Will be a hit on Facebook, will get you fired. 

Next story ›