THE cannibalistic female funnel web spider is amazingly like the bitch he used to be married to, a divorced scientist has claimed.

Following the discovery that female spiders who eat males after copulation deliver stronger eggs, resentful entomologist Tom Logan has claimed this is just one of many similarities with his failed marriage.

Logan said: “What happens is that everything’s going fine, the male spider has got a new job and the little spiderlings have started at a good school, when suddenly, out of the fucking blue, the female spider goes to him, ‘it’s not you, it’s me, but I’m going to eat you’.

“Then the male, who’s only ever done his best, gets all chomped up and the female takes all his spider money and the kids.

“Afterwards it all comes out that she’s been screwing this younger male spider from her spider zumba class. And he’s definitely been getting the full works sexually, we’re talking bum mating and whatever, all stuff the husband spider never got and would have gotten an eight-legged slap for even mentioning.

“That dirty, lying arthropodic slut.

“And the poor husband male, she doesn’t even eat him in one go. Just chewed his legs off so he can’t even open the spider solicitor’s letters that just keep coming.

“I think you’ll agree that this is a major contribution to our understanding of spiders. Probably I could have learned more but I accidentally stamped on the female again and again and again.”