subscribe
/ Sign Out

Springbok Plot To Steal Wilkinson's Feet

POLICE have thwarted an attempt by the South African rugby association to steal Johnny Wilkinson's feet before Saturday's world cup final.

Officers raided addresses in London early this morning and are believed to have found detailed blueprints of the England fly-half, a mallet, a set of electronic hedgecutters and a coolbox.

Four men with unusual Dutch sounding names have been arrested and are expected to be charged later today under the Foot Removal Prohibition Act (2003).

A police spokesman said: "The coolbox suggests they may have been intending to return the feet after the game, but it's still not very nice."

A spokesman for the RFU said: "Removal of a body part is a traumatic experience for any rugby player.

"Johnny has spent the last 10 years trying to cope with the removal of his scrotum. Do you think he stands that way because he wants to?"

Sports minister Gerry Sutcliffe issued a statement condemning the South African attempt on Wilkinson's feet.

He said: "Some will no doubt pretend that the Springboks are a post-apartheid celebration of multi-culturalism, representing 21st century South Africa, blah, blah, fucking blah.

"But we all know they're actually a bunch of dirty, big Afrikaaner baastards who, if they were born 20 years earlier, would have been queuing up to join the police."

Fat People More Dangerous Than Atomic Bomb

FAT people are now more destructive than the atomic bomb and will soon crush the earth to death – unless they eat if first, health secretary Alan Johnson said last night.

Ravenous huge people have consumed large areas of our city centres and the Army has been called in to smear key institutions such as hospitals and libraries with Marmite to stop them from being eaten too.

But Wales has already become so squashed by its enormously fat and lazy population that it is now smaller than a radish and has been forced to secede from the United Kingdom and offer itself for sale at a farmer’s market.

Mr Johnson said the whole earth would be crushed to the size of a golf ball by fat people and then swallowed by one of them by 2012 unless they were stopped now by the few people left on the planet who were not enormous great bastards.

He said: “Fat people are now more evil than cannabis and the Nazis combined, and a bigger threat to the future of our planet than climate change and that mad bastard who is in charge of Iran blended into a smoothie with a gallon of full cream. Only tobacco is worse.

“Unless we kill all the fat people today, cut them up and eat them, and then run around a lot to make sure we do not become just as fat as they were the Government will be forced to spend £2 billion on a huge door widening programme in the next six months alone."

According to the latest Government research every single person in Britain will be a huge lump smelling of stale grease and sweat within the next five years.

At the moment only 2% of the population is not officially disgustingly obese and they are being kept in cellars and fattened up for slaughter by their massive neighbours.

Next story ›