FEW of us have a high opinion of our own features at the best of times. When locked in a rictus of orgasm, contorted with explosive bliss, it’s worse.
If the eyes are the window to the soul, the cum face is wide-open French doors, all the lights on, at night with the curtains billowing. Everyone’s getting a look, and this is what it reveals about you:
The Joker
Smiling is a lovely way to spread warmth and happiness, so Cheshire-catting your climax shows you’re a polite and giving person keen to show your appreciation. Theoretically. For the woman below you, she’s suddenly in bed with an evil clown. Her screams are not simultaneous orgasm but terror.
Death Row
The French call it la petit mort, or the little death, but you’ve taken it all the way up the green mile. When you finally get there you offer your boyfriend a glimpse of what you’d look like in the electric chair: mouth frothing, limbs juddering, eyes rolling back into your skull. Is it any wonder he decently closes his eyes and thinks of Emma Stone?
The Hooked Fish
If you’re gormless at the best of times, a bulgy-eyed, slack-jawed cum face won’t surprise anyone. But if you’re one of those distinguished, fine-boned lovers people would expect to transform from Clark Kent to Superman when he orgasms, suddenly gasping like a landed trout will shock. Though it does explain your Tinder photo.
The Fireworks
For the maximalist who pulls out all the stops: shrieking, flailing arms and legs, bursting into a spontaneous chorus of Kool and the Gang’s Celebration. Means she’s either blessed with a low bliss threshold or, most probably, overacting.
The Rock
Not a reference to what Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s cum face might look like – for that see The Joker, above – but a flat, boulder-like absence of all facial expression. If even ejaculating leaves you as expressionless as a Victorian photograph, you’re a very sincere, honest person who could do with being much, much less so.
