subscribe
/ Sign Out

President Trump's first priority: make the United States four states greater. Annex the UK

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist convinced Trump will go down in history with Alexander the Great 

TO make America even greater? Make it larger. I plead with you, President Trump, to end our socialist misery and annex the UK. 

We want it. You want it. You’re proud of our Scottish ancestry. We, despite our shameful proximity to garlic-addled Europe, are American in all but name. Let’s make it official. Because we need help. 

You may not have noticed, through the typhoon of liberal tears that greeted your stunning victory, but we’re in trouble over here. The wrong side won our election – by a fluke, unrepeatable, won’t ever happen again – and are wrecking Britain. 

They’re taxing, they’re spending, they’re doing all the things that would make a great fiscal conservative like yourself recoil in horror, if you didn’t have nerves of steel and a spine of unbreakable titanium clothed in flesh of the most gorgeous bronze. 

As they’re ideologically opposed to defence spending they won’t put up a fight. Two aircraft carriers and a few light bombing runs – I recommend Bristol – and you’ll secure the country, And that’s not all. 

It’s not just England and Scotland. You’ll get Wales and Northern Ireland thrown in for nothing, a slight discount on their value, and if I were you I’d take Eire as well. The Irish love America, they’ll be delighted. 

I know, I know. Your first priority is making Israel the 51st state. I hear and obey. But won’t they accept their destiny all the sooner when we precede them, setting a good example? 

Because we want everything you have. We want private healthcare. We want the right to bear automatic weapons firing 45 rounds a minute. We want fracking, the IRS and Fox News. 

I believe you already know the future governor of the state of England: Mr Nigel Farage, Esquire. He will serve us at your right hand, unfailingly loyal, evenly tanned. 

So please. Make our passports red, white and blue. Make our Royal Family your subjects. Invade us, Trump. Make us your Olde Worlde bitch. 

What your O-face says about you, by the Mash sex columnist

FEW of us have a high opinion of our own features at the best of times. When locked in a rictus of orgasm, contorted with explosive bliss, it’s worse. 

If the eyes are the window to the soul, the cum face is wide-open French doors, all the lights on, at night with the curtains billowing. Everyone’s getting a look, and this is what it reveals about you:

The Joker

Smiling is a lovely way to spread warmth and happiness, so Cheshire-catting your climax shows you’re a polite and giving person keen to show your appreciation. Theoretically. For the woman below you, she’s suddenly in bed with an evil clown. Her screams are not simultaneous orgasm but terror.

Death Row

The French call it la petit mort, or the little death, but you’ve taken it all the way up the green mile. When you finally get there you offer your boyfriend a glimpse of what you’d look like in the electric chair: mouth frothing, limbs juddering, eyes rolling back into your skull. Is it any wonder he decently closes his eyes and thinks of Emma Stone?

The Hooked Fish

If you’re gormless at the best of times, a bulgy-eyed, slack-jawed cum face won’t surprise anyone. But if you’re one of those distinguished, fine-boned lovers people would expect to transform from Clark Kent to Superman when he orgasms, suddenly gasping like a landed trout will shock. Though it does explain your Tinder photo.

The Fireworks

For the maximalist who pulls out all the stops: shrieking, flailing arms and legs, bursting into a spontaneous chorus of Kool and the Gang’s Celebration. Means she’s either blessed with a low bliss threshold or, most probably, overacting.

The Rock

Not a reference to what Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s cum face might look like – for that see The Joker, above – but a flat, boulder-like absence of all facial expression. If even ejaculating leaves you as expressionless as a Victorian photograph, you’re a very sincere, honest person who could do with being much, much less so.

Next story ›