subscribe
/ Sign Out

Johnson Unveils Horribly Foul-Mouthed Olympic Slogan

THE official slogan for the 2012 Olympics will be 'London, City of Fucking Sport and Shit', mayor Boris Johnson has confirmed.

Mr Johnson insisted the foul-mouthed slogan not only encapsulated London's status as one of the world's great cities but emphasised that it would 'host the fuck out of the Olympics'.

The mayor said a number of slogans were considered including 'London Two Thousand and Fucking Twelve', and 'It's the Olympics, Get Your Arse on the Fucking Plane'.

Mr Johnson was joined at the launch by Beijing gold medallists Rebecca Adlington and cyclist Sir Chris Hoy who he described as 'fast as fuck on a bike'.

He added: "Fuck me if the London Olympics are not going to be absolutely cocktastic. The city will be filled with fuckers from every corner of the globe."

Mr Johnson insisted the Olympic construction projects were proceeding according to schedule, adding: "Then again it's not like I'm some kind of fucking architect.

"I told them I'm not good on the fucking details, so they could tell me any old shit and I'd be like, 'great, whatever, just get it fucking done'."

He added: "I have to say I did like the one about the plane, so we may use that in a couple of these stupid fucking brochures and bung it somewhere on the cocking website as well."

 

Try Not To Eat Liquid Cobalt, Say Nutritionists

EXPERTS last night removed eggs from the list of proscribed foodstuffs but added a series of new mouth-based dangers including deep-fried bees, iron filings and industrial-grade liquid cobalt.

According to a report from the Institute for Studies, eaters should avoid, 'anything dubbed a "local delicacy" and, oh I dunno, carrots?'.

Institute director Henry Brubaker said: "We do have a tendancy to flipflop on eggs. Some days we're all 'Ooh, eggs, you're so cool' and the next we're deleting them from our Facebook friends.

"To be honest, we don't actually know what's in an egg. For all we know it's a bomb."

The Institute has been criticised for refuting the link between cholesterol levels and eggs with critics claiming the report was commissioned by the CIA-front organisation, the British Egg Trust.

But Brubaker dismissed the allegations, adding: "Believe it or not, high cholesterol is more closely linked to pumping fat into your gut all day long and having the activity levels of a paralysed darts player.

"Eggs actually reduce cholesterol and give you firm, unyeilding, round-the-clock erections. Or they're instantly fatal. It's definitely one of the two."

The Institute has also set up a text messaging service to keep eaters constantly updated on safe food. Messages this week include: 'For Christ's sake, no cheese strings!', 'Oooh, peaches', 'More oatiness!' and 'Forget all that stuff about cheese strings, they're absolutely fine'.

 

Next story ›