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A WOMAN has told her boyfriend that she will happily accept his request for anal penetration if he is prepared to give it a go in return.

Yes, goldfish have a poor memory. But only a scumbag would take advantage of that.

WAKING in a gutter in Hamburg’s notorious Reeperbahn, I once again am able to blame no less an authority than the King for my ignominy.

‘TROUBLE is,’ says Suella on Zoom, ‘apparently rural communities by RAF bases don’t want 6,000 asylum seekers.’ My wife rolls her eyes and sticks her tongue out.

THEY say the Scandinavian people are the happiest in the world, though God knows how when it's dark and freezing and beer's ten quid a pint.

GORILLAZ, the cartoon vehicle for Britpop’s Damon Albarn once nobody could bear to look at him, lit up the 00s but are they good? Or was it just the cool videos?

ARE you a football manager? Are you sick of the stress, the money and of winning things? Come to Tottenham Hotspur and end your career forever.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was teacup pigs.

WAKING in a puddle of my own regurgitation lapping gently against my nostrils in the high breeze, I am approached by an enigmatic stranger.

BILLIONAIRE media magnate Rupert Murdoch is marrying again aged 92, due to these seduction techniques guaranteed to work in any branch of JD Wetherspoons.