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WAKING in a Glasgow police cell, I realise that this particular occasion differs from the others as it is under the aegis of the King himself that I am incarcerated.

HE had one job. Slip a massive bung to the rich while concealing it beneath waffly childcare promises that won’t come in until Starmer. ‘Did I do well?’ he asks.

THE British Empire gets a bad press. Yes, there were a few atrocities, but by and large it was benevolent and helpful. Indian restaurants are a fine example.

The medieval city of Norwich, capital of the Dark Ages county of Norfolk, has all the historic churches, quaint pubs and references to a Steve Coogan character you could ever hope for.

TODAY alone, tens of thousands of PC users around the world will press three keys simultaneously, effortlessly forcing Windows to cease its frozen bullshit.

The elephant in the room here is the dangerous lack of fencing at this zoo.

WAKING up in a BBC office opposite director general Tim Davie, I recall I have been summoned for ‘a quick word’ following remarks construed as criticism of Rishi Sunak.

‘I WOULD not run against Zindane,’ Macron explains. ‘He would steamroller me. So you should not run against Gary Lineker.’ ‘I’m not,’ I say, again.

FOR all those liberal halfwits condemning the government’s fair-minded policy to enslave asylum seekers as racist, I have six words: it can’t be. It’s Suella Braverman.

ALEX Turner will headline Glastonbury for the third time this summer with Arctic Monkeys, but how does he feel about processed frozen potato products? Bloody loves ‘em. Why?