Premium

ASYLUM backlogs at a record high? Isn’t that bad news for Stopping the Boats, the only Rishi Sunak pledge anyone cares about? Or is he far cleverer than anyone thought?

GASTROPUB? As in gastroenteritis? Have these pretentious bastards thought this fucking through?

Scarborough is the classic British seaside town: shit. Buckets, spades, decaying Victorian attractions, hammered tourists and noisy rip-off arcades.

NAIL artist Kelly Howard, aged 29, only swiped right on Jack Browne, aged 32, because of his adorable King Charles spaniel. Can she endure a whole date without seeing it?

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Except Beyoncé.

WAKING with something of a morning head, after a late evening with the Little Sisters Of The Poor who are renowned for their thirst, I learn that Michael Parkinson has died.

YOU cannot watch the Eras tour and walk away unchanged. But I admit I wasn’t expecting the revelation that Taylor and I, with a few minor differences, are the same.

I PREFER American football, but my transfer to the Dallas Cowboys fell through so I came to Bayern Munich instead. Did you know that’s in Germany? I didn’t.

WE pretend there are other explanations. Weather, the Labour party, Millennials, etcetera. But, you, I and everyone knows all Britain’s problems are down to the French.

THE UK’s two least-watched and most furiously aroused news channels are meeting to fuck in secret, it has emerged.