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PUT your hands inside two Pringles tubes to find out what it’s like being Abu Hamza. This works best if you are extremely bored.

WAKING up slumped over the railings at Buckingham Palace, I blearily recall visiting King Charles to let him know I would not be attending his coronation as I was working the next morning and fancied having Saturday off.

MARKETING executive Lucy Parry, 29, is looking for love. STD victim James Bates, 30, is looking for a cream that will make it less painful to urinate. Will romance blossom?

THE praise heaped upon 28 Days Later is more appropriate for Danny Boyle actually having invented cinema, not giving zombie films a makeover. Here’s why it’s somewhat overrated.

DID you know Freud’s idea of the Oedipus complex, first introduced in The Interpretation of Dreams in 1899, is the direct result of seeing his mum’s tits?

THE wife only booked an Easter break in Wales, didn’t she? Ever the professional, I thought it would give the food critic in me the opportunity to try the local grub. I wish I hadn’t.

Odd that when Miley Cyrus is listing all the things she can do just as well without a partner in her latest song she leaves out wanking.

WAKING dressed in naught but a simple loincloth, hanging from a large crucifix, stared at by horrified schoolchildren, I recall the events that led to my present pass.

THE BBC reported it with chortling glee. The slave-owning Guardian was delighted. But for Rishi’s sake, and for Britain’s, this white grooming gang must be ignored.

Southend-on-Sea, pronounced locally with the traditional double-F intonation, was developed as a seaside resort in the 19th century despite being situated on an estuary.