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ONCE a year even I say it: bollocks to Britain. Much as I love living in the greatest country in the world, even I need a break sometimes.

AS the all-time record Grand Slam winner, Novak Djokovic can believe whatever he likes without fear of contradiction. These are his go-to conspiracies.

JACK Gardner is convinced Sophie Rodriguez will be up for a threesome solely because she’s bisexual. Will his dreams come true or is he a dickhead?

It should rightly be called the Calippo scabbard.

WAKING following an especially thunderous evening of conviviality, I notice from my stained pillow I have suffered minor ‘cerebral leakage’.

IT is happening, Britain, and it is your fault. Once again my sensible, popular and legal Rwanda plans have been challenged, and more puppies are dead.

TRAVEL broadens the mind. Getting lost just pisses the mind off, which is why every phone, watch, car and person over 55 should be fitted with GPS.

CHILDHOOD sweethearts Thom Booker and Jo Kramer have reconnected on social media. Can they rekindle love and accept they massively fucked up?

EVERY year, as hordes of the filthy and exhuasted traipse away from Worthy Farm, the ghostly words ‘never fucking again’ seem to hang in the very air.

Well if ‘vehicular manslaughter’ is a crime you might as well arrest me now.