Carol Vorderman, former Countdown presenter turned left-wing glamour model, answers your queries

Dear Carol,

You’re an expert on numbers and I’m dealing with a few of them. I’m 93 next month, I remember the Blitz and rationing and the Swinging Sixties, but I don’t remember ever facing energy bills as high as these.

I’ve tried to keep an open mind even about changes I’ve disagreed with, like motorways and the polio vaccine, and I’ve heard about this new invention called OnlyFans. Are you familiar with it? Apparently you upload explicit images from the comfort of your own home and men pay you for it.

I’m dreadfully worried about these bills and the price of Felix pouches, so I wondered if I might bite the bullet and start shaking my titties online. My laptop comes with a camera so technology-wise I’m ready to go. You’ve got a head for figures, and according to my middle-aged son Alan a figure for head, so I thought you’d be able to help.

With all best wishes,

Margaret Gerving

Dear Margaret,

Before I go on, may I just say congratulations on reaching such an advanced age. I hope I one day reach 93, a factor of two of my favourite primes.

And speaking of impressive numbers, you’re right in thinking there’s a good living in OnlyFans, but it’s also a lot of hard work.

Men are prodigious voyeurs and subscribers require daily updates in order to stay interested in your assets and not be wooed by anyone else’s. Even a niche GILF market like the one you’ll be catering to has competition, particularly as the weather turns.

How much time do you really want to dedicate to your own nudity? And to finding different poses and backgrounds? Just as men get bored with seeing the same old fannies every day, they won’t be slow to complain about your taupe walls and outdated dado rail.

At your age, flexibility and mobility will also be an issue. Will you have help to snap those hard-to-reach nether areas? Would Alan be available?

Just as we used to film Countdown in week-long blocks, I’d recommend spending a couple of days doing nothing but nudes then releasing them over a couple of weeks to maintain a steady stream of scintillating and titillating content. That way you can keep up with Doctors as it builds to its explosive finale while maintaining a captive audience of paypigs for your wrinkly bosoms.

I sincerely hope that this helps and I can’t wait to see how it all goes. Might I recommend a screen name along the lines of ‘GrannyGarden69’? Just a suggestion.

Yours,

Carol Vorderman