Premium

Mash Blind Date: No woman can withstand my pick-up artist techniques

RECRUITMENT consultant Dan, 31, has studied pick-up techniques, and attempts to use emotional manipulation to make women sleep with him. Teacher Holly, 28, is a normal human being. 

Sandwiches with no bloody crusts and pensioners stinking of piss: The gammon food critic goes for high tea

WE get there and everyone looks at least 90 and ready to drop. There's an all-pervading stink of granny gas, perfume and stale urine. It's like sitting in the waiting room for the morgue.

Unexpected household objects that can double as sex toys, with the Mash sex columnist

SAVE yourself the expense and embarrassment of buying bona fide sex toys and use these deeply unsexy household items instead, which isn’t embarrassing at all. You’ll never look at your egg timer the same way again!

Let Dame Judi be the judge: Should I start having a bottle of whiskey for breakfast?

DEAR Dame Judi. Should I make breakfast an exception to my strict diet, and start having a whole bottle of whisky instead of my usual kale smoothie?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

It’s ridiculous when people write 'c**t'. You’re allowed to say 'celt'. We’re all adults here. We all know what a celt is.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… don't drop the fucking soap, Donald

WAKING up in the lion enclosure at Regent’s Park Zoo, I am aware of one of the beasts padding menacingly towards me after an inebriated attempt to recreate the story of Daniel (Daniel 6:22).

A confused Millennial tries… to understand how people ever smoked indoors

SMOKING is evil. The only people who smoke are drunk middle-aged women outside clubs and people in black and white films. Yes, I smoke three spliffs a day but that’s different. It’s natural drugs from a local dealer, not an evil corporation.

How to pretend your Amazon package never arrived and get a refund, by Cillian Murphy

OPPENHEIMER star Cillian Murphy might be Hollywood’s hottest property, but that doesn’t mean he’s above the occasional Amazon scam. They're insured anyway, probably. Here are his tips.

Let's move to… the home of hipster wankers and yuppies. This week: Shoreditch

SHOREDITCH developed a reputation for crime until it became a byword for ‘gentrification’ in the 90s. Nowadays residents are more likely to be arrested for not eating organically or wearing skinny jeans.

This week in Mash History: Whiny peasant becomes first person to declare he doesn't 'get' Shakespeare, 1601

WILLIAM Shakespeare is the most renowned playwright in history, inspiring generations of actors and middle-class ponces to wank on about him like they’re dead clever.