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SHOREDITCH developed a reputation for crime until it became a byword for ‘gentrification’ in the 90s. Nowadays residents are more likely to be arrested for not eating organically or wearing skinny jeans.

WILLIAM Shakespeare is the most renowned playwright in history, inspiring generations of actors and middle-class ponces to wank on about him like they’re dead clever.

God, you wish you had it as easy as Dolly Parton. You work 9am to 6.30pm and your boss still sends you Teams messages in the middle of the night.

WAKING at 4am, naked save for my socks in the bar of an exclusive gentlemen’s club in Piccadilly, I piece together as best I can the events that led me to this circumstance.

BANKING is woke. Business is woke. Your smartphone is woke and broadcasting everything you say to woke censors. Only Nigel can save us now.

FINE dining? Fucking rip-off. Poxy little plates that would leave a bulimic peckish and pretentious menus in French.

HOPING to get choked to climax tonight, but unsure which lucky chap will be the most adept at strangling you without accidentally murdering you?

BRITISH summer has splashed down, holidays are happening, and coastlines are choked with families fighting horizontal sleet. How do you wear your waterproof?

When I describe something as Orwellian I'm talking about a pig walking on its hind legs.

WE’RE losing the by-elections. We’ll lose the general election. So, if you look at it from a certain perspective, like Akshata’s, I could just quit now.