RECRUITMENT consultant Dan, 31, has studied pick-up techniques, and attempts to use emotional manipulation to make women sleep with him. Teacher Holly, 28, is a normal human being. 

Dan on Holly 

First impression?

Holly was sort of alright. I’d have preferred a Eastern European model in just a bikini and high heels but Pizza Express probably wouldn’t allow that, the pussy-whipped cucks.

How was conversation? 

Obviously I wasn’t really chatting, I was stalking my prey, homing in with laser-like precision, looking for the chink in her psychological armour so I could go in for the kill like the sexual apex predator I am. 

Memorable moments?

She looked impressed when I said I’d got a Ferrari. Actually I’ve only got a knackered Vauxhall Astra, but it’s her fault for me blatantly lying to her. Women these days only care about money.

Favourite thing about Holly? 

Dunno, I was too busy planning my next pick-up tactic. Should I ‘accidentally’ brush her breasts to break down her personal boundaries or ‘neg’ her by saying they’re too small? It’s a lot to think about.

A capsule description? 

Holly thinks women should be allowed to vote and she’s not into choking. Typical modern feminazi who wants to cut your balls off. 

Was there a spark? 

Not really. My ideal woman would sit in silence while I explain current events and cars to her. Holly had an opinion on her quattro staggioni. I call that disrespectful.

What happened afterwards? 

I think I was too good at negging her. I’d criticised her hair, her job, her family and I was about to criticise her shoes when she said ‘You are a horrible person. Let’s get the bill then I’m going for a drink with friends. You’re not invited.’ How the fuck did that happen?

What would you change about the evening? 

I think to shag Holly I needed to have learnt mixed martial arts. Women want a man who can beat other men to a pulp outside kebab shops. It’s evolution.

Will you see each other again?  

Hopefully – only thanks to Hustlers University the next time I see Holly I’ll be driving past her in a real Ferrari with a model in the passenger seat giving me a blowjob. Then she’ll be sorry she missed out on dating an alpha male like the one I’ll be if I keep paying 40 quid a month.

Holly on Dan

First impression?

Obvious pick-up artist. Trying to dominate the conversation, gradually escalating physical contact. If I wanted to shag Andrew Tate I’d move to Romania.

How was conversation? 

Weird. He kept lying in the most obvious way and seemed to think that was okay if it meant getting his leg over. Sorry, but I don’t believe someone who’s into powerboat racing collects coupons for two-for-one pizza deals.

Memorable moments?

Dan has some interesting ideas about how men need to be dominant in a relationship. Also something about the ‘warrior spirit’ and ‘the matrix’, whatever that is. Oh, and leopards. Mustn’t forget them. I didn’t really pay attention because it was gibberish.

Favourite thing about Dan? 

He likes pizza and so do I but that’s not a particularly rare trait in a man and I don’t think it compensates for being an absolute wanker.

A capsule description? 

Knob? Is that encapsulated enough?

Was there a spark? 

Only of anger, when he kept challenging every minor thing I said in a transparent attempt to assert himself. Who the fuck starts an argument on a date about the best type of potato?

What happened afterwards? 

I went for a drink with friends and he went home to polish his samurai sword. That’s not a euphemism, he does actually own a samurai sword. Oh dear.

What would you change about the evening? 

I think I’d have had a gelato and sorbet instead of boring old cheesecake. Oh, you mean the actual date? Fuck that.

Will you see each other again?  

Only if Dan drastically revises his attitude towards women. And picks me up in his Ferrari. So I think we can safely say that won’t be happening.