WAKING in a sealed coffin in total darkness, I yawn after coming to following the most pleasant three days’ sleep in my life.
The much-needed rest followed a very convivial session with Aled Jones and Katherine Jenkins which stretched to five days in duration until the Three Stags declared itself drunk dry and Katherine, excitable as she becomes during a session, fell to the red mist.
Stretching, I hear the muted murmur of what seems to be some sort of funeral oration. I realise that my imbecilic clerk, finding me at deep peace in the gutters, has taken me for dead and my personal physician, who has regrettable issues with alcohol, corroborated this.
Hammering loudly on the inside of the coffin, I accompany my efforts with some ripe language unsuitable for daytime broadcasting as I imagine our Lord and Saviour did in similar circumstances. ‘This is the fourth time in as many months,’ I shout.
Once the lid is frantically unscrewed and opened I leap out like a lion unchained, snarl at a shocked congregation, pop into the off licence for later and repair to my chambers, there to peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that Prince Charles, apparently now calling himself King, is to receive a substantial pay rise.
Dip my cock in boiling vinegar and consecrate my throbbing balls, for fucking what? You’ve been on the throne a year now and all you’ve done is lumber around from red carpet to red carpet looking ruddy-faced and grumpy! You’re useless at the job. You’re the worst King we’ve had since Fat fucking George! Some people can hack it, some people can’t. Take me, I can’t abide religion but I’m a shit-hot Archbishop, I’ve just got the knack. You haven’t got the knack for shit, you throne-filling sack of unburst fucking capillaries! Get the fuck off the pot and let some other cunt have a go!
Susan Hall has been chosen as the Conservative candidate for London Mayor to face the incumbent, Sadiq Khan.
Fuck me sideways, have you fucking seen her? She looks like the sort who gets knocked out in the first round of Pointless for giving ‘David Cameroon’ as an answer! Are you fucking serious, Tories? Or have you got some sort of Springtime For Hitler side bet that she crashed out with just 100 votes? Or is the plan to get her on Have I Got News For You as the butt of everyone’s jokes and have her rise to power that way?
Country singer Jason Aldean has released single Try That In A Small Town, in which he sings about those who might ‘sucker-punch somebody on a sidewalk,’ ‘pull a gun on the owner of a liquor store’ or ‘cuss out a cop, spit in his face, stomp on the flag and light it up,’ warning them to ‘try that in a small town’ and ‘see how far ya make it down the road.’
This would be the epidemic of American flag burning that only exists in your walnut redneck fucking mind? You’ve had a bellyful of it, huh? Fucking shitkicker! Maybe you should have called it ‘Try Being Black In A Small Town’. See how far you make it down the road when you’re out for a fucking jog in broad daylight before a posse of armed-to-the-teeth MAGA shitheads encouraged by twats like you mow you down!
Finally Laurence Fox, leader of the Reclaim Party, lost his deposit in Thursday’s Uxbridge by-election after securing a mere 714 votes.
Cheers, you weaselly streak of sun-dried cunt! When even the horrible right wing twats who infest fucking Uxbridge, the greedy, ignorant anti-ULEZ child-choking pricks that foisted fucking Boris Johnson on us, think you’re too much of a fucking arsehole to abide then you are the arsehole to end all arseholes! Fuck off back to your sordid, poxy little trollbin on Twitter, the tinfoiled insides of which are coated with your own stale wank, and take pathetic potshots at a world that’s leaving you and your knob-end sort rapidly behind!
