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OI! MATE! Yeah you, across the street. Having trouble meeting birds? Sad bastard. Here’s how to tell her you’re emotionally available by shouting from three storeys up.

A COLLEAGUE is eating lunch at his desk for the sole purpose of making everyone he works with look bad, he has confirmed.

THE bravest and doughtiest fighters of Britain are here to fight, sah! And with platoon GB News joining battle the war is as good as won.

AN English newcomer to Burns Night believed it was some sort of eating contest for offal and mushy vegetables, not an annual celebration of a national hero.

CELEBRITIES believe themselves to be almost like normal people for making these unremarkable statements, and believe that to be an achievement.

ARE you, like King Charles, unable to stop working 16-hour days, not even taking weekends off?

FINDING true love is tricky at the best of times, so the last thing you need is trendy dating bullshit to deal with too. That’s why these things are so effective at deterring geriatric oldsters over 25.

WAGWAN? Say less. Man bare sufferin’. Parents made man give up da henergy drinks an’ man’s vapes after da schitz Christmas fing, innit.

IS your penis living in the present moment? Is your pussy on the path to spiritual enlightenment? Have your nipples achieved nirvana?

You’re shaken to discover that Stella McCartney is a nepo baby. Who next? Surely not Sean Lennon?