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Scarborough is the classic British seaside town: shit. Buckets, spades, decaying Victorian attractions, hammered tourists and noisy rip-off arcades.

NAIL artist Kelly Howard, aged 29, only swiped right on Jack Browne, aged 32, because of his adorable King Charles spaniel. Can she endure a whole date without seeing it?

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Except Beyoncé.

WAKING with something of a morning head, after a late evening with the Little Sisters Of The Poor who are renowned for their thirst, I learn that Michael Parkinson has died.

YOU cannot watch the Eras tour and walk away unchanged. But I admit I wasn’t expecting the revelation that Taylor and I, with a few minor differences, are the same.

I PREFER American football, but my transfer to the Dallas Cowboys fell through so I came to Bayern Munich instead. Did you know that’s in Germany? I didn’t.

WE pretend there are other explanations. Weather, the Labour party, Millennials, etcetera. But, you, I and everyone knows all Britain’s problems are down to the French.

THE UK’s two least-watched and most furiously aroused news channels are meeting to fuck in secret, it has emerged.

WAKING in a sealed coffin in total darkness, I yawn after coming to following the most pleasant three days’ sleep in my life.

Probably keep quiet about that disposable barbecue you didn’t put out properly during a picnic in Hawaii last week.