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HANNAH, aged 27, swiped right on 38-year-old Julian even though his holiday photos were very suspiciously cropped. But is he willing to take the plunge into infidelity?

Fern gasped. For in the web in the high corner of the barn, above where Wilbur sat beaming, two words glistened unmistakably in the morning dew. ‘FUCK OFF’, they read.

WAKING on cobbles, I realise I have just fainted and feel my vital organs shutting down one by one like lights in a towerblock.

THE moment I heard, I picked up the phone to offer my congratulations. And the three hours since have simply flown by.

VEGANISM. The way I see it, you’re going some if you’re going a step more extreme than Hitler.

Want to work in London but can’t afford the financial or psychological damage of living there? High Wycombe makes a perfectly shite alternative.

BRITAIN would be nothing without the potato. Vegan, gluten-free and delicious, spuds are the crispy-yet-fluffy-on-the-inside bricks modern civilisation is built on.

Everybody’s seen that picture of Albert Einstein sticking his tongue out. But beneath the clownish exterior was a very intelligent man.

WAKING with a morning head and aware of a distinctively green, radioactive glow emanating from my skull, I reflect on last Sunday’s events at morning service.

FORGET your gender nonsense, Gen Z. Worry not about climate change. The time has come for you to put your anxieties aside and fuck.