WAKING at 4am, naked save for my socks in the bar of an exclusive gentlemen’s club in Piccadilly, I piece together as best I can the events that led me to this circumstance.

A convivial evening with colleagues, discussing first ecumenical matters before turning to matters political, became increasingly voluble and, as the management politely explained, abundantly ridden with expletives.

Once my companions departed I drank on alone only to find myself embarassed by a lack of funds. I resorted to the expedient of raffling my religious garments to raise funds: my mace, my cassock, my mitre, my combinations, vest, and finally my monogrammed boxer shorts.

With the £28.80 I raised – a poor haul but needs must – I was able to drink on, attaining rounds of applause as I broke wind with great musicality, a skill I picked up at Oxford. Advised on waking that the club is closed I wander nude into the night, eye-catchingly tumescent, to my chambers.

Persusing a periodical, I read that the Coutts scandal has caused senior bankers to step down from their position as Nigel Farage continues to dominate the headlines.

Roasted goats’ cocks by the shore of Galilee, what the fuck is it with this cunt of a country that we let an amphibious, braying, grifting wanksock like Farage dominate the headlines? He should be on the end stool at a golf club bar, boring some unlucky bartender with his rants about traitorous lifeboatmen and Gary Lineker running the fucking country! And roundly ignored rather than his every fatheaded, fascistic opinion amplified like it’s the fucking King’s Speech! Every time he opens his fucking mouth he should be calmly carried to a giant bucket marked ‘BIGOT’, deposited in it then continuously urinated on by rotating piss squads standing on fucking stepladders! Get him the fuck off the news, out of British life, and into the North fucking Sea!

Writer and comedian David Baddiel has castigated the film Oppenheimer for casting a non-Jewish person, Cillian Murphy, as a Jew.

Jesus on a fucking stick, how in holy shitdom did David Baddiel – David fucking Baddiel, to address him in full – get to be considered some sort of public intellectual? Sure, Cillian Murphy isn’t a Jew. But when you featured Jason Lee on Fantasy Football in the banter 1990s you didn’t get in a black actor in to play him, did you? You fucking well played him yourself, boot-polished up with a fucking pineapple on your head! If I had that on my record I’d spend the rest of my life cringing and apologising, not setting myself as an arch-pontificator on racial matters! Cunt!

America has been gripped this week by testimony to Congress that the wreckage of spacecraft piloted by extraterrestrials is hidden by the American government.

You burgerbrained basket case of a fucking country, will you listen to yourself? So you’re saying that these life forms, who’ve mastered the technology to travel billions of light years are so fascinated to make contact with Earthlings – amoeba by their standards – that they get here and immediately fuck up and crash land in New Mexico? Take your fucking heads out of your obese arses and do something useful like shit yourselves to death!

Finally, Charlotte Owen entered the House of Lords this week as its youngest ever peer, aged 30. She was ‘special adviser’ to Liz Truss during her brief tenure as Prime Minister.

Have mercy on my aching sphincter, what ‘special advice’ did you give Truss? To take the economy and crash the cunt like a UFO in New Mexico? I admit my own record in the Lords is chequered – two speeches, five stomach-voidings, 16 incidents involving involuntary defecation and 19 fistfights – but I’m a beacon of parliamentary fucking rectitude compared with you being given a twat’s job for life by your corrupt fatberg of an ex-boss! Are you not remotely fucking embarrassed? Is that the definition of a Tory nowadays, the inability to experience embarrassment? You’re going to spend the rest of your working life being stared at by grown-ups shaking their heads, I hope the fucking per diems are worth it!