What a waste of time. Do they think he's never lied to a Parlimentary Privilege Committee before?

From the diary of Carrie Johnson, Britain’s First Lady

HE’S lied to the nation, he’s lied to the police, he’s lied to the House, and now he’s got to lie to a Parlimentary committee? Hello? Two kids need lying to over here.

As usual the media’s acting like it’s the fall of the Roman Empire. As usual it’s nothing more than a pain in the arse.

Come on. War in Europe, inflation soaring, and the Commons decides it’s time to take a day out to slag off my husband behind his back? I do that while I’m doing the other chores.

And now those Red Wall bastards have failed to repay the backing he gave them – there’s no greater pariahs than the freaks who call themselves Northern Tories – he’s got to go to a committee. So fucking what?

‘It’s what, a morning?’ I said. ‘Of lying to some politicians you don’t give a fuck about?’ ‘Mm,’ Big Dog replied. ‘Bread-and-butter really. Get me warmed up.’

‘And what can they do?’ ‘Ask me questions,’ he said, biting both bars of a Kinder Bueno at once. ‘Ask for evidence, all the usual shit. If they conclude I’ve misled Parliament I’m meant to resign.’

‘That can fuck off,’ I said. ‘Of course that can fuck off,’ he agreed. ‘It’s only the ministerial code, and if I was following that I’d have got rid of Priti last year. It’s a load of bollocks from girly swot Blair.’

‘I’ll lie to their faces,’ he continued. ‘I’ll lie looking them right in the eye and they’ll know I’m lying. Then I’ll lie about the lies. I’ll lie like I haven’t lied since the divorce.’

He is incredible at lying. It’s his total lack of sincerity even when he’s being honest. It just destroys the whole concept of truth. I think it was when he told his wife he was in the Members’ Bar over the phone with such assured confidence I really fell for him.

We’re in no danger. We’ll lead this country forward together after the next election with an increased majority. Once Biden’s kicked out we’ll lead a Trump-Johnson transatlantic alliance that’ll transform the 21st century. There’s nothing to worry about.

‘You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?’ I asked. ‘No way babe,’ he said.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

I told a Ukrainian why we're ditching Britain’s greatest wartime leader since Churchill. She called us a country of dickheads

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist slightly to the right of Hitler

‘IT was a party because someone had a cake, you see,’ I explained to Zlata as she folded washing. ‘So the democratic will of the people must be overturned.’

‘Like bunga-bunga party?’ she asked. Zlata’s only been in the country two weeks, but she’s very politically aware. ‘The dancing nudes and the cokey-nose?’

‘No,’ I replied. ‘No, none of that. Just work colleagues. There was a cake but it never left its Tupperware, there were a few warm beers, and then the prime minister got on with steadfastly leading the nation through crisis.’

‘But,’ I continued, ‘apparently that means he must resign, along with the chancellor, and leave this country rudderless in a time of crisis. There’s no choice. The BBC says so.’

Now I haven’t known Zlata long. She just does a bit of cleaning, cooking, gardening and childcare for me cash-in-hand, well below minimum wage. But I have never seen such fire in her eyes as that moment.

‘You tell them,’ she said, in a voice shaking with restrained fury, ‘tell them no. Tell them Boris is war hero. Best friend Zelensky and saviour Ukraine. Tell them over my dead body.’

Sometimes it takes such clarity of thinking, expressed in admittedly broken English, to blow your confusion away. Zlata’s words were the wake-up call I needed.

Of course Boris – the political colossus who steered us through Brexit and a pandemic – must stay. Of course he’s done nothing wrong. Of course this is all a Remainer coup.

Of course the left’s agents of Putin are determined Boris, the Lion of Kyiv, must fall. Of course they’re using our own strengths of common decency and fairness against us.

Of course everyone in Britain did the same as Boris and worse. The teachers, the social workers, the nurses and the actors – the real enemy – had parties ten times the size. But nobody’s calling for Rita Ora to resign from government.

‘You’re right, Zlata,’ I said, emboldened by her simple Slavic common sense. ‘We will fight them. We will ignore the next fine, and the next, and the next and the Sue Gray report.’

‘We will fight them on the parties, on the Peppa Pig speeches and on the pensions triple lock, and we will never surrender!’ I roared. Zlata had gone. She left only her wisdom behind.

Next story ›