The Archbishop of Canterbury on... that arsehole Boris Johnson

WAKING early for daily morning prayers, I repair to my breakfast room for a light repast of grilled kippers while my housekeeper prepares a bath of purifying salts.

Switching on the wireless, I learn that Boris Johnson has doubled down on his criticisms of the Church of England, whom he accused of failing to be sufficiently anti-Putin following the church’s condemnation of the government’s Rwanda policy as ‘against God’s will.’ A church official has said that Johnson’s remarks were ‘a disgraceful slur’.

Jesus Christ’s donkey’s cock, I’ll say they were a fucking slur! Listen, you unholy fat fuck, it’s the job of the C of E to call out repulsive, rancid ratfuckers like you and Patel because let’s face it, no other cunt’s gonna do it! The fucking Catholics? They’ve kept well schtum because they haven’t the morals or the fucking balls of the C of E! Well let me tell you this, you torpid, lying, Billy Bunter-shaped lump of fucking white 1970s dogshit, you make a fucking enemy of the Anglicans and we will come after you, take off your gonads with a fucking clawhammer and make you watch as we crush them with a fucking steamroller! We do not fuck about!

Meanwhile, in the event of Mr Johnson standing down, the betting for his successor is as follows.

Liz Truss: 6/1 Tom Tugendhat: 8/1 Jeremy Hunt: 8/1 Ben Wallace: 10/1 Penny Mordaunt: 21/2 Rishi Sunak: 12/1 Sajid Javid: 17/1 Michael Gove: 20/1 Nadhim Zahawi: 23/1 Dominic Raab: 33/1

My throbbing red end, what a shower of shite! Liz Truss! If brains were caviar, hers is worth 20p! Tom Tugedhat! You’re in the wrong party, you silly cunt! Jeremy Hunt! Pity your name’s not Jeremy Hwat, because there’s a rhyme I’d fucking like to make there! Ben Wallace! Never fucking heard of you and don’t fucking want to! Rishi Sunak! Yeah, fucking right, if this were the 12th century and this was for the position of Sheriff of Nottingham! Blinding fucking move, Bozo – surround yourself with such a pack of criminally hopeless cunts you look like Nelson Mandela by comparison!

Meanwhile, Shadow Health Secretary Wes Streeting has said that we need to reflect on imposing a ban on smacking children in England. ‘As a child who was smacked by their parents from time to time, I don’t think it did me any harm,’ he said.

Chomp my fucking chasuble, are there any depths you and your risibly pointless party aren’t prepared to sink to court the vote of the knuckledragging, racist, beermat-chewing reactionary from Tipton? Bring back the stocks for cannabis users? Send in the navy to sink the dinghies of asylum seekers and open fire on the RNLI if they intervene? ‘Didn’t do me any harm!’ Christ’s dick on a stick, you grew up to be fucking Wes Streeting! A big child-faced, greasily ambitious, utterly unprincipled suitful of fuck! I’d say that was pretty fucking harmful!

Finally, Piers Morgan interviewed Donald Trump this week. Morgan has moved away from mainstream TV, stating that he is a victim of ‘wokeness’ and ‘cancel culture’.

Well, now, I say, Piers Morgan, there’s a blast from the past. I’d clean forgotten he ever fucking existed. You used to read about him a lot, see him on the TV but, ooh, funny, you never hear of him at all these days. The mainstream media – Tribune, The London Review Of Books, The Morning Star – have completely fucking blanked him! Gee, Piers, I guess you’re right about ‘woke cancel culture’ and not full of self-pitying bullshit! ‘Cancel culture’ my arse, you monumental cunt!

What a waste of time. Do they think he's never lied to a Parlimentary Privilege Committee before?

From the diary of Carrie Johnson, Britain’s First Lady

HE’S lied to the nation, he’s lied to the police, he’s lied to the House, and now he’s got to lie to a Parlimentary committee? Hello? Two kids need lying to over here.

As usual the media’s acting like it’s the fall of the Roman Empire. As usual it’s nothing more than a pain in the arse.

Come on. War in Europe, inflation soaring, and the Commons decides it’s time to take a day out to slag off my husband behind his back? I do that while I’m doing the other chores.

And now those Red Wall bastards have failed to repay the backing he gave them – there’s no greater pariahs than the freaks who call themselves Northern Tories – he’s got to go to a committee. So fucking what?

‘It’s what, a morning?’ I said. ‘Of lying to some politicians you don’t give a fuck about?’ ‘Mm,’ Big Dog replied. ‘Bread-and-butter really. Get me warmed up.’

‘And what can they do?’ ‘Ask me questions,’ he said, biting both bars of a Kinder Bueno at once. ‘Ask for evidence, all the usual shit. If they conclude I’ve misled Parliament I’m meant to resign.’

‘That can fuck off,’ I said. ‘Of course that can fuck off,’ he agreed. ‘It’s only the ministerial code, and if I was following that I’d have got rid of Priti last year. It’s a load of bollocks from girly swot Blair.’

‘I’ll lie to their faces,’ he continued. ‘I’ll lie looking them right in the eye and they’ll know I’m lying. Then I’ll lie about the lies. I’ll lie like I haven’t lied since the divorce.’

He is incredible at lying. It’s his total lack of sincerity even when he’s being honest. It just destroys the whole concept of truth. I think it was when he told his wife he was in the Members’ Bar over the phone with such assured confidence I really fell for him.

We’re in no danger. We’ll lead this country forward together after the next election with an increased majority. Once Biden’s kicked out we’ll lead a Trump-Johnson transatlantic alliance that’ll transform the 21st century. There’s nothing to worry about.

‘You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?’ I asked. ‘No way babe,’ he said.