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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Matt Le Knobhead Tissier

SWITCHING off my wireless set following the latest Thought For The Day, I partake of a light breakfast of grilled kippers and green tea before turning to the newspaper.

Therein, I read that culture secretary Nadine Dorries, herself a celebrated novelist, is to press on with plans to sell off Channel 4.

I’ll tell you my fucking thought for the day – appointing a thick, malignant, besotted, insensate fucking souse like Dorries as culture secretary is straight-up Batman-villain trolling on Johnson’s part! Face it, you pitiful pool of pigshit poured into a fucking dress, the only reason you want to sell off Channel 4 is because Krishnan Guru-Murthy humiliated you in an interview, using the cunning journalist’s trick of allowing you to open your mouth and fucking talk! Exposing to the country that you’re not fit to be in charge of your own fucking hair, let alone a fucking ministry! Culture! Fuck my dog!

Matthew Le Tissier, a mercurial midfielder with twinkling technical skills a whole England side could have been built around, has stepped down as ambassador for Southampton FC following a tweet in which he cast doubt on reports of Russian war crimes in Ukraine.

As I said in yesterday’s sermon, it just shows how plagued we are by slack-jawed, gullible, scrolling shit-for-wits we are in this country when those two short fucking planks Matthew Le Tissier and the muscleheaded moron from Right Said Fred are considered more credible than actual fucking experts rather than up their own, pig-ignorant, conspiracist arses! Let us pray that these ‘do your own research’ idiots don’t fall in with some fucking cult that commands them all to go throw themselves in the North Sea with kettlebells tied round their fucking necks, because that certainly wouldn’t represent a giant evolutionary stride for humanity would it? Matthew Le Tissier? Matthew Le Cuntier, more like! We now turn to hymn number 143!

Finally, it seems that Prince Charles, with whom I have had many a face-to-face meeting in my church duties over the years, was in the habit of taking advice from Jimmy Savile, regarding the flamboyant disc jockey as a repository of common sense and a conduit to the mindset of ordinary working people.

It says something that your mother hates you, your father thinks you’re an embarrassing fucking imbecile, your next oldest brother’s so obviously a fucking sleazeball that no way are you going to look to him for moral guidance so you resort to Jimmy Saville! Who else did you fucking consult? Fred West for patio tips? At least everyone else who dealt with the vile scrotum knew what kind of a fucking human being he was, they just didn’t care enough to do anything about it. You actually met him, looked at him, talked to him and thought he was a fucking good bloke! This officially makes you Britain’s Stupidest Cunt, you know that? A man too stupid to know how to put on a fucking crown without a valet’s assistance!

How to turn up tasty leftovers into a delicious full meal, with Colin the emotionally unstable chef

IT’S easy to rustle up a delicious meal from leftovers, claims every TV chef. Because they have to, it’s like doing community service for them. I’ve done the real thing.  

But are they lying, and you’ll waste hours making horrible crap from slightly off meat that gives you a twitchy arse? Let’s see.

Lamb tagine

This North African dish is the classic way to turn leftover lamb into a tangy stew with apricots and cinnamon, apparently. They don’t mention all the good bits of meat will be gone, so it’s more accurately gristly bits tagine. No-one fancies a nice bit of cartilage in watery apricot jam.

Turkey curry

So I created a careful blend of turmeric, cumin, Kashmiri chillies and six other spices and used free-range turkey, and guess what? It took me two fucking days and it’s curry made with dry, nasty turkey. You know what I’d like to do with those ground Kashmiri chillies, Ramsey, Slater and Lawson? That’s right. Your arses.

Leftover baked beans shepherd’s pie

They’re just taking the piss now. Shepherd’s pie with baked beans slopped in. Still, I bet Marco Pierre White would say it was manna from heaven if Knorr paid him enough, the fucking whore. Why haven’t I got an advertising deal like him? I’ll do anything. I’ll make them eat dog shit with a stock cube in it.

Marmalade and whisky bread-and-butter pudding

Bung stale bread in a bowl with milk and sugar and ponce it up with some whisky. Shit if you ask me. Maybe it’d help if I was from the rationing generation who were just ecstatically happy not to have been blown to pieces by the Luftwaffe, and hadn’t drunk the whisky from the bottle.

Bubble-and-squeak

Jamie Oliver always dredges this one up, probably because it sounds a bit cockney. Who’d have thought you could fry up some mushed-up potatoes with sprouts or whatever? Fat-tongued twat. That’s why he’s banging a former model and I know the shift patterns of girls on Babestation.

Fridge-raid soup

Basically whatever’s been hanging around your fridge – courgettes, carrots, olives, cheese, parsley. So bland you’ll be tempted to chuck the fridge thermometer in for a bit of crunch and to find out what mercury tastes like.

Creamy leftover prawn pasta

I had to question whether several-days-old seafood was the ideal thing to reheat. But I did it. Simply cook linguine as normal, ignoring odour, and add cream, finely chopped red chillies, fresh herbs and the prawns with shavings of parmigiano reggiano. Now all you have to do is tuck in and start shitting like Trafalgar Square’s fountain.

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