subscribe
/ Sign Out

Mash Blind Date: can former prime minister Boris Johnson find true love with GB News?

HE’S the last prime minister but one. They’re a news channel that cherishes free speech and impartially loves Tories. Will they fall for each other? 

GB News on Boris

First impression?

A blond Adonis, witty, knowledgable, tossing out classical references faster than even an Oxford don could catch them, charming, incisive and brilliant. What did we do? Why did we allow the Blob to bring him down?

How was conversation? 

Sparkling. From the first moment you find yourself in receipt of his full attention, you’d do anything to keep it. When he momentarily flirted with the waitress I was so hurt I called her a whore of liberalism and wokeness’s bitch, but he smoothed things over wonderfully.

Memorable moments?

Every single one, arranged like beads of joy on a necklace of pure truth.

Favourite thing about Boris? 

The whole wonderful golden package. That we could even be within touching distance of a relationship is a dream.

A capsule description? 

The prime minister of hearts. The once and future king. His sword sleeps in his hand but he is destined to rule us again.

Was there a spark? 

God yes. Our passion blazed like a forest fire caused by a malfunctioning wind turbine.

What happened afterwards? 

We agreed a contract to produce documentaries and live events. The details are sketchy and the fee large, but I know he won’t let us down. He told me himself.

What would you change about the evening? 

Only that it ended. But it will echo forever in the corridors of eternity.

Will you see each other again?  

Of course. We have a contract. He’s earning millions.

Boris on GB News

First impression?

I thought this was Rupert’s one that pays Piers all that money? Oh bloody hell, this isn’t the one with Jacob and Nige on, is it?

How was conversation? 

Disappointing. Really I should be hosting my own nightly show on the BBC kicking the shit out of anyone who ever crossed me, but I can’t because of Ofcom bias. So I’m reduced to this.

Memorable moments?

I asked what the entire salaries, combined, of everyone who works for them – from Eamonn Holmes to the lowliest runner – was. Then I told them I’ll need three times that. It was agreed without hesitation.

Favourite thing about GB News? 

That they’ll pay me huge sums for stuff nobody will ever find out about, apart from those few who watch it. It’s the relationship I have with many women, but in reverse.

A capsule description? 

They’ll do. For now.

Was there a spark? 

Of course there was from them. I’m Boris.

What happened afterwards? 

Went home, told the kids to shut it, irritably gave Carrie one, stayed up and finished the Chablis.

What would you change about the evening? 

Come on. At least Talk TV.

Will you see each other again?  

No, I shouldn’t think so. I know what I’m like. Once I’ve trousered the cash I’ll lose interest.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Teenage girls. Kindly establish what connection Harley Quinn has to Halloween before dressing as her and making every male over 18 feel like a paedophile.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

You only bought Britney Spears’ memoir in the hope that she’d mention you. But there’s not one reference to you listening to her CD in the car in 2001, the ungrateful cow.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Killing two birds with one stone is meant to be a good thing. But when you did it all the children just kept screaming and crying until the penguin keepers overpowered you.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Cancer is one of the more attractive signs of the zodiac, as evidenced by Margot Robbie, Chris Pratt and Sofia Vergara. But so you don’t feel left out there’s also paunchy dough-faced wanker Elon Musk.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

If you don’t have many opportunities to be a sanctimonious twat about smoking these days, just update your comments to vaping, eg. ‘My advice is don’t start in the first place.’ People will still want to smash your smug f**king face in.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

You’ve never looked a gift horse in the mouth. Come to think of it, you’ve never looked any kind of horse in the mouth. You’ve gazed lovingly into the eyes of a particularly attractive cocker spaniel, but that didn’t end well.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Venus is in conjunction with Mars and it’s playing havoc with your bowels.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21nd

They say you can’t judge a book by its cover. What total crap. Peppa Pig’s Tree House was an entirely accurate representation of the contents.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

The course of true love never did run smooth, like your relationship with your girlfriend Nancy at secondary school. First she wouldn’t wank you off behind the bike sheds and now she’s married with three kids to a dentist in Guildford. To be honest, you’re starting to wonder if things will work out between you.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

‘To err is human, to forgive, divine’ said Alexander Pope. His girlfriend probably caught him wanking during Countdown too.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Saying ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged’ just seemed to annoy the magistrate when you were in court for three grand in unpaid parking fines. Looks like Jesus was talking bollocks again.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Acclimatise your dog to Bonfire Night by cutting a hole in the fence and going for walks on an army firing range. Probably don’t play ‘fetch’ though.

Next story ›