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Ask Eddie Redmayne: I want to break into TV. Should I become the world's fattest man?

Dear Eddie,

Like you, I’m a natural performer. I’ve always wanted to be a star of TV and film, but so far I’ve only been in the background of a news report when a local paedophile was arrested and I’ve found it hard to build on.

Love Island says I’m too old, unattractive and married, Survivor turned me down, Made In Chelsea required me to be rich already and nobody watches Big Brother so I’m not wasting my time. Then I had a brainwave.

What if I become the world’s fattest man? People love TV shows about the grotesquely obese, so once I’m over 90 stone the offers will come rolling in. I’m fully prepared to be bedridden and unable to perform basic tasks. Actually quite looking forward to it.

What do you reckon? Worth a go?

Cheers,

Roy Hobbs

Dear Roy,

It’s great to hear from a fellow artist and I’m thrilled you’d like to break into an already overcrowded industry. It’s a shame you couldn’t go the easy route and attend Eton like I did, but I understand places are limited.

Performance is all about transformation, or becoming someone else. Whether I’m becoming a genius crippled by motor neurone disease in The Theory Of Everything or a trans woman in The Danish Girl, I’m unrecognisable. So from an artistic perspective, I fully support your decision.

As to your specific plan, I have my reservations. Though I enjoy ogling the severely obese and hopelessly poor as much as the next person, the format is a little stale. All the recent shows have shown doctors trying to help these unwell people, which is frankly dull.

To really sell your show, add a competitive element. I’m envisioning something like The Biggest Loser in reverse. Find a mate who also wants to become the world’s fattest man and follow your attempts to eat more and move less than the other person. That way, the audience can really root for you and your journey to becoming an immoveable boulder of fat. The winner can be given a crown of pies.

I’m thinking of setting up a production company for shows just like this one, so get in touch if you want to pursue this further. We’ve got one in development about a man trying to contract terminal lung cancer by smoking 2,000 fags a day.

Best wishes,

Eddie Redmayne

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You smoke Camels, eat Penguins, wear Lynx and drive a Jaguar. And you’re married to a fucking pig.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Ultimately, home swimming pools are like any other home gym equipment. You feel guilty about never using them except to store clothes.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Is the current preponderance of Goth kids caused by the 00s banning of Sunny Delight?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Can I not just go hard then go home?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Realistically, what can you mong besides cheese, fish and iron? It’s straight onto war and doom.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

You’d never, ever sing ‘Jingle bells, Batman smells’, because what if you were in mortal peril from Bane and Batman refused to help because of your disrespectful attitude?

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

At this time of year we should all reflect that regardless of the outcome of the tiebreaker race in LA, Dinoco would always have sponsored Lightning McQueen over Chick Hicks because of Lightning’s youth and potential. Cars, dir John Lasseter, 2006.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Look more productive and cut to the end by naming any document you’re working on ‘v15 final final final’.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

There’s a rhyme for remembering how many days are in each month, but not one for the days of the week. Apart from Craig David’s 7 Days.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

How about a compromise, government: medical cannabis is available on prescription, but it’s impossible to see a fucking GP?

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Come on, the 1922 Committee. Get with the times and call yourself the 1923 Committee.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

O Come, All Ye Faithful. Come, baby, come. Harder.

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