Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You smoke Camels, eat Penguins, wear Lynx and drive a Jaguar. And you’re married to a fucking pig.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Ultimately, home swimming pools are like any other home gym equipment. You feel guilty about never using them except to store clothes.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Is the current preponderance of Goth kids caused by the 00s banning of Sunny Delight?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Can I not just go hard then go home?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Realistically, what can you mong besides cheese, fish and iron? It’s straight onto war and doom.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

You’d never, ever sing ‘Jingle bells, Batman smells’, because what if you were in mortal peril from Bane and Batman refused to help because of your disrespectful attitude?

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

At this time of year we should all reflect that regardless of the outcome of the tiebreaker race in LA, Dinoco would always have sponsored Lightning McQueen over Chick Hicks because of Lightning’s youth and potential. Cars, dir John Lasseter, 2006.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Look more productive and cut to the end by naming any document you’re working on ‘v15 final final final’.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

There’s a rhyme for remembering how many days are in each month, but not one for the days of the week. Apart from Craig David’s 7 Days.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

How about a compromise, government: medical cannabis is available on prescription, but it’s impossible to see a fucking GP?

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Come on, the 1922 Committee. Get with the times and call yourself the 1923 Committee.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

O Come, All Ye Faithful. Come, baby, come. Harder.