Politics

POLICE detained Peter Mandelson using a series of arcane magicks to prevent him from escaping to the netherworld from whence he came, they have confirmed.

PETER Mandelson has told police he cannot be charged with a crime for forwarding emails to a friend as this would make the whole white-collar world criminal.

WE kept looking. We refused to give up. And eventually we found the one unbelievably thick, nasty and prejudiced voter who reflects the views of all Gorton and Denton voters.

REFORM party officials are recruiting candidates to run local councils from branches of Wetherspoons, they have confirmed.

COUNCIL elections are back on and the Greens are polling where they shouldn’t be in Gorton and Denton. So our helpful media have provided reasons not to vote for them.

THE prime minister is limping from scandal to outrage to scandal, which has nothing to do with the right-wing media wanting him out. What will his next one be?