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Politics

'All these moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain' says android

AN android, facing the fact that his limited lifespan is coming to an end, has given a moving speech in heavy rain.

'This is all the punishment I'm getting, yeah?' says sincere, contrite Vennells

Universities cost more than ever and are going bust: a guide to the Tory economic model, with Jeremy Hunt

HELLO. I’m Jeremy Hunt, chancellor by default, and pre-election I’d like to talk you through the economic model that has made Britain such a success.

Six fixes f**k all, Starmer told

KEIR Starmer has been informed that if he is taking being prime minister seriously, he will need a f**k of a lot more than six fixes.

The disturbing new sex education curriculum, as written by Tory MPs

THE government is keen to politicise sex education, but should Conservative MPs be giving anyone advice on sex? Here is a worrying copy of a ‘learning resource’ they’ve created.

'So, who else hates scum?': Six failed conversation starters with defector MP Natalie Elphicke

FORMER Tory MP Natalie Elphicke is doing her best to fit in with her new Labour comrades, but struggling to find common ground. These are her openers so far.

Sunak thinking of defecting

We ask you: what secrets will defecting Tory MP Natalie Elphicke bring with her?

THE member for Dover has defected from the Conservatives to Labour, but what invaluable secrets does she bring from her former masters?

Scotland's new first minister to be bald bloke

Sunak pins hopes on new pandemic

THE prime minister plans to recover from today’s election results by launching a new pandemic and furloughing everyone.