TODAY’S heavy rain follows a waterlogged winter that scientists are blaming on climate change. Are they right? 

Carolyn Ryan, pub landlady: “No. Climate change makes it hot. They must be holding their graphs upside down.”

Roy Hobbs, exotic pet salesman: “We’ve always had heavy, relentless rain throughout summer in this country. Now foreign carbon emissions are trying to take credit. Eff off. This rain’s ours.”

Steve Malley, benefits claimant: “Climate change? More like climate same. What do you think of that? I reckon there’s enough in it for me to stand as a Reform UK candidate.”

Martin Bishop, riveter: “Have to admit, with the last week of sunshine, I was worried there’d be nothing to blame massive sewage discharges into rivers on.”

Margaret Gerving, retired: “Is it raining? I hadn’t noticed. I’m in the Algarve.”