Politics

THE Conservatives and violent criminals have issued a joint statement stating that rising crime figures are nothing to do with the loss of 20,000 police officers. 

BRITONS would still vote for Brexit on the basis that nothing has yet happened or is likely to happen, they have confirmed.

THE UK is to introduce a bottle deposit scheme so when poor people moan they can be told to go out and collect them, the government has announced. 

EVERYONE accusing Jeremy Corbyn of tolerating anti-semitism has always been strongly opposed to prejudice in all its forms, they have announced.

BRITAIN'S economy is thriving in comparison to the virus-ravaged world depicted in the film 28 Days Later, Philip Hammond has announced.

THE government has warned Russia to be more careful when trying to kill people.

Due to cosy EU regulations on food standards, 'human rights' and the sickening affordability of foreign travel to the low-born, we have lost our British mettle.

THE prime minister has told the UK to come together and unite behind a vision of Brexit which only a minority of nutters want.

THE government has suggested that the border between Ireland and Northern Ireland could be one of those beaded curtains popular in the 1970s. 

LABOUR’S Brexit strategy is to stay in the EU but in a really grudging way and moan all the time, the party has announced.