Politics

A FUCKING awful dance has completely succeeded in distracting from the vapid reassurances and outright lies of Theresa May’s speech, Britain has confirmed.

THE prime minister is to enliven her speech by bringing out a goat dressed as Boris Johnson then strangling it. 

MIDDLE-CLASS cocaine users targeted by the government have politely reminded them that they vote in every election and usually swing Tory. 

THE Conservative party conference has won a place in The Guinness Book of Records for fitting the largest number of total bastards into one location.

THE Conservative party conference is here, and with it a whole load of incredibly shit ideas. But which of these panicked regurgitations of Thatcherism are you? 

THE government has decided the North does not need a Northern Powerhouse and can make do with a new toilet instead.

BRITAIN cannot see why Theresa May is announcing plans to slash corporation tax, sure to be acclaimed by ordinary voters, discreetly in New York. 

LABOUR have announced their new policy to give all employees shares in the businesses they work for, despise and want to see destroyed. 

THE prime minister has acknowledged she was chosen to do one single task and has done nothing but fuck it up.

THE Labour Party has confirmed the smelting of a 24 foot bronze statue of Jeremy Corbyn in which he will be either handing out bread or banging his left fist into his right hand.