Politics

YOU are Boris Johnson, foreign secretary, bon vivant and statesman, but can you make it to the end of the week without being forced to resign?

VINCE Cable says it could be him, Boris Johnson thinks it should be him, and Rupert Murdoch has already decided it will be Michael Gove. But what are the odds on Britain’s next leader?

AN increasingly desperate Boris Johnson plans to become prime minister by murdering everyone else in Britain.

A MAN thinks he is making a brilliant intellectual point by pointing out superficial similarities between fascism and communism for the umpteenth time.

THERESA May is to boost her standing among young voters by stepping down with immediate effect.

THE Democratic Unionist MP accused of taking £100k holidays in Sri Lanka has insisted that the only person paying for his jollies is Theresa May.

THE British people are planning to demand a pony, an iPad and a trip to Disney World if the EU divorce gets any nastier, they have confirmed.

DAVID Davis has told the EU that if they think Northern Ireland’s so bloody great they can sodding well have it. 

A MAN somehow believes that arch-wanker Jacob Rees-Mogg is a brilliant individual who would make an excellent prime minister.

BRITONS will be empowered to demand the papers of anyone a bit foreign-looking after Brexit, a leak has revealed.