Politics

BORIS Johnson has just come straight out and confirmed that he is Winston Churchill. 

ARE people constantly asking you annoying, awkward questions? Here are my foolproof ways of never giving a straight answer.

TORY MP Jacob Rees-Mogg has claimed Brexit Britain will be a ‘roaring success’ as long as the country ‘gives no quarter to assorted rapscallions’.

MISERABLE people who want everyone to be unhappy like them have begged Theresa May to carry on with austerity.

A FUCKING awful dance has completely succeeded in distracting from the vapid reassurances and outright lies of Theresa May’s speech, Britain has confirmed.

THE prime minister is to enliven her speech by bringing out a goat dressed as Boris Johnson then strangling it. 

MIDDLE-CLASS cocaine users targeted by the government have politely reminded them that they vote in every election and usually swing Tory. 

THE Conservative party conference has won a place in The Guinness Book of Records for fitting the largest number of total bastards into one location.

THE Conservative party conference is here, and with it a whole load of incredibly shit ideas. But which of these panicked regurgitations of Thatcherism are you? 

THE government has decided the North does not need a Northern Powerhouse and can make do with a new toilet instead.