Politics

BORIS Johnson is to restore his majority by challenging the Commons to British Bulldog then stopping the game when everyone has crossed the floor.

JACOB Rees-Mogg has admitted that he only lay down on a Commons front bench because the opium had seriously hit.

IN THE most important 24 hours for British parliamentary democracy since last time, MPs will today attempt to prevent a no-deal Brexit. Here’s how it will work.

THE prime minister has made a statement to the nation that he has a lovely new puppy that he enjoys petting.

MICHAEL Gove has confirmed the government will ignore any law passed against a no-deal Brexit and existing laws prohibiting cocaine. 

PROROGATION, the word on every Briton’s lips this week, definitely means the dissolution of Parliament before a Queen’s speech.

ANY political party promising free, clean toilets in city centres would win 88 per cent of the vote, research has found.

I REGRET that I must resign as leader of the Scottish Conservative party, because: f**k this sh*t.

THE destruction of Alderaan with a giant space laser was business as usual and nothing to get worked up about, a Tory MP has claimed.

THE UK has finally concluded that the monarchy is as useful in a crisis as an upside-down urinal, it has emerged.