Politics

AN upcoming general election will let the UK vote for parties they despise less than they despise other parties for the fourth time this decade.

BORIS Johnson is to restore his majority by challenging the Commons to British Bulldog then stopping the game when everyone has crossed the floor.

JACOB Rees-Mogg has admitted that he only lay down on a Commons front bench because the opium had seriously hit.

IN THE most important 24 hours for British parliamentary democracy since last time, MPs will today attempt to prevent a no-deal Brexit. Here’s how it will work.

THE prime minister has made a statement to the nation that he has a lovely new puppy that he enjoys petting.

MICHAEL Gove has confirmed the government will ignore any law passed against a no-deal Brexit and existing laws prohibiting cocaine. 

PROROGATION, the word on every Briton’s lips this week, definitely means the dissolution of Parliament before a Queen’s speech.

ANY political party promising free, clean toilets in city centres would win 88 per cent of the vote, research has found.

I REGRET that I must resign as leader of the Scottish Conservative party, because: f**k this sh*t.

THE destruction of Alderaan with a giant space laser was business as usual and nothing to get worked up about, a Tory MP has claimed.