By Sir Keir Starmer MP, prime minister and hero
I AM barely five months into my job – and loving it – but oddly, there is a petition calling for a general election. I can only imagine it is for one of these reasons:
You adore the democratic process
Oh, I get it. Putting your cross on your ballot paper. All-night news coverage. It’s a blast. And it did happen more frequently under the Conservatives, but democracy is one of those things that’s spoiled if you have too much of it. Trust me, you’ll enjoy it all the more for waiting.
You’re intimidated by how good I am
Nobody likes a show-off. And while I’m jetting to COP29 or slipping into hi-viz after a long day cancelling the winter fuel allowance, I do it with such style and grace there’s bound to be jealousy. Please, don’t be resentful of my success. Even though I’m incapable of making a mistake, I’m theoretically a fallible human being like you.
You secretly love the Tories
All of that groaning and protestation was just like in the romcoms where they don’t like each other, wasn’t it? You’re all pining for Rwanda, strikes, the reassuring face of Jeremy Hunt? And you’re making a pathetic bid to get them back? I’m sorry. This is a text to your ex you should not be sending. You’re happier with me because I’m sensible.
You want to give me a bigger mandate
I hear you. A 174-seat majority doesn’t reflect the depth of your feelings. Having seen a dynamic, revitalised Labour party in action, you want to give us complete control of the country. ‘Imagine how many Labour MPs could fist-fight strangers if they had 650 seats,’ you muse, lying awake at night with a huge grin on your face.
Trump has been elected
As the author of this petition said, people have seen what’s happened in America. A right-wing populist won and that, according to logic, makes our election null and void. Common courtesy demands my resignation and the election of his old pal Nigel. I see that, but honestly I think he’ll love me. I’m going to give him my signed Morrissey album.
