subscribe
/ Sign Out

Public excited to discover what they voted for

THE King’s speech to parliament is the first chance for Britain to find out what they voted for three weeks ago, they have confirmed. 

Now it is too late for any change to be made, the electorate is eagerly watching the monarch’s address to parliament to discover which policies they backed overwhelmingly in the election.

Bill McKay of Ivybridge said: “Starmer couldn’t tell us his policies because he wanted them to be a lovely surprise, which I respect. Could be literally anything.

“Will the King announce the end of the two-child benefit cap? The abolition of the Lords? Installing vast turbines to make us the first hover-nation? I’ve read Labour’s manifesto dozens of times and don’t know. Be good to finally find out.”

Retail manager Joanna Kramer said: “Nationalising railways and a football regulator, sure, but there’s got to be more. What about a £500 million windfall tax on Ed Sheeran specifically? Or lower mortgage rates if you can prove you’ve never watched Top Gear? 

“Hot pink passports? Airports no longer allowed to charge a fiver for dropping off? Ofcom to force Channel 4 to make a decent sitcom? Nadine Dorries named official Unquiet Ghost of the Commons? Solar panel hats to be compulsory? Tell us, Keir!”

She added: “Hope it’s not a bunch of well-meaning ideas that fail to deliver any meaningful change. Though that’s me being cynical. Labour would never do that.”

Dear Donna, I'm better at my job than anyone's been in 60 years. Should I resign?

Dear Donna, 

I’VE got a high-profile job, which I admittedly lucked into, that I’ve done pretty well for eight years. I’m not the best in the world or even in Europe but I am second-best in Europe and my bosses like me. 

However, there is a public-facing element to the role. And the public, to be brutal, f**king hates me. Sorry for the profanity. Bit of a locker-room atmos where I work.

They’re emotionally invested in my employers product and believe, fervently, I am the sole barrier to it achieving unprecedented international success. Accordingly they want me decapitated and my mouth and eye-sockets stuffed with salt. Should I resign?

Gary of London

Donna replies: You f**king wanker. You dare ask me for advice? After what you did?

Yes, ‘Gary’, I know it’s you. We all do. We’d recognise that cringing tone, too afraid to drop Kane, too intimidated to play Gordon, anywhere. It haunts English nightmares.

Piss off, in case you hadn’t got the message. Go and manage someone at your level, I recommend starting at Ashton United and working your way down.

Without you we’ll hire a proper manager, someone brilliant who we’ve not identified yet, who will take us the next step up and we’ll win the next one, possibly even the next four. That’s how much you’ve held us back.

Sensible grey-flecked beard bastard. We’re getting someone continental and he’ll be gorgeous and play Eze as a false nine. You should be exiled to the Pitcairn Islands.

Next story ›