THE assisted dying bill is be toughened by replacing a review by a judge with arguing your way past a GP’s receptionist. 

The proposed law initially included a requirement for a high court judge to check each person was eligible, but critics believed this was far too low a bar to clear and instead inserted the immovable object which staffs every local surgery.

MP Kim Leadbeater said: “What do judges know about medicine? They’ll wave every case through because it brings back the halcyon days of sentencing criminals to death.

“But a receptionist at a standard practice will truly weed out the undeserving. With judgements like ‘Doesn’t seem like there’s anything up with you to me’, ‘Buck up a bit’ and ‘Sorry, we’ve no more appointments’ they will act as death’s bouncers.

“You’ll have to be really determined to go to your final resting place to cajole your way past them. If you’re being coerced into assisted dying, all you have to do is sit in the waiting room and they’ll ignore you effortlessly for months.

“They are already the nation’s arbiters of illness, so weeding out those who do not deserve an easy death is a natural progression. And for doing so we’ll pay them an extra 22p an hour.”

Receptionist Susan Traherne said: “There are many out there who death’s too good for. Timewasters, generally.”