'I, too, have a petition' says Liz Truss

FORMER prime minister Liz Truss has announced she has a petition of her own which she is sure the whole nation will want to sign. 

Truss, who also used to be an MP, has noticed the ongoing movement to replace democracy with clicks and, buoyed by its success, has a little petition of her own.

She said: “Like the general election, which I agree should be re-run and especially in the South West Norfolk constituency, it addresses a historical injustice.

“And like this current petition, it covers an area where the public were lied to, feel defrauded and want to turn back the clock to a happier time, namely September 23rd 2022.

“It would require the overturning of certain constitutional mechanisms – elections, leadership elections, all that stuffy old nonsense – but a few million signatures are sufficient. Even if a few of them are foreign or fraudulent, the will is clear.

“So what we would do is sign this, go back to then, ignore all the nonsense from the Bank of England and civil service and international markets and so on, reclaim the gaiety of life under a charismatic, fiscally daring leader, and not look back.”

She added: “If everyone could just sign. I only got nine signatures in my leaving card so think of this as making up for that.”

Benjamin Netanyahu's guide to staycations

BIBI here. Sometimes we all have to forego a foreign holiday, whether for budgetary reasons or being charged with war crimes. Here’s how to enjoy a ‘staycation’ just as much: 

Visit Center Parcs

Israel has Center Parcs too, although I try to avoid it as I only have a personal worth of $12 million so it is a little rich for my blood. However with Europe off-limits I may have little option than to share a hot tub with my son’s mother-in-law, who gets grabby. As long as I stay off the archery I’ll be fine.

A narrowboat in Haifa

I’ve always been a fan of Great Canal Journeys on your otherwise deeply anti-Semitic Channel 4. Nothing personal, we say that about everything that right now. Chugging slowly along canals seems so relaxing but we don’t have any so it’ll have to be Haifa. Is a busy international seaport ideal for watching curlews and herons? Not especially. But it has water.

Camping in the Negev Desert

Is there a healthier holiday than camping? Just you, your tent, your camping stove and 5,000 square miles of sand and rocks. Maybe the odd Roman ruin, which nobody can blame on me or the IDF, and temperatures range from constant, scorching, suffocating heat to frostbite-inducing -23°C so there’s plenty of variety.

Tefen Industrial Park

No UK holiday, I hear, is complete without being dragged around a dull museum explaining a long-outdated manufacturing process. And as I am unable to visit the Derwent Pencil Museum as it is staked out by the International Criminal Court, this will have to do. Look grandchildren, this is how they make solid-state memory.

Glamping

Like camping, but permanent. Positive settlement vibes from that. At my age I could do without sleeping in a yurt, teepee or bubble dome, but Disneyland Paris isn’t a good idea right now. Being arrested by an Interpol officer disguised as Goofy would be undignified.

Luxury spa weekend at the King David Hotel

Massively overpriced to sit by a swimming pool with a rejuvenating mask on but preferable to four years of ping-pong with African warlords while waiting for trial. Plus this is where we bombed the British colonial occupiers all those decades ago for freedom. Expensive, but I’m saving on excess baggage charges for the foreseeable.