GORDON Brown is today hosting a high-level summit to discuss radical new measures aimed at helping him keep his job.
Labour sources say the initiative will not only stave off unemployment for the prime minister but help him realise his lifelong ambition of ensuring that everyone in Britain, in one way or another, is working for the government.
The measures include giving £2500 to companies for every new person they employ to sit around all day doing nothing because no-one is buying anything anyway.
A Downing Street spokesman said: "It is far better to have someone sitting in an office playing Scrabulous than sitting at home playing Scrabulous until the banks decide to start lending again."
He added: "The problem is that once a person loses a job they can easily be trapped in a long term spiral of thinking it's all our fault.
"Unless we invest this money now we risk losing the gratitude that will make the Labour Party stronger and more competitive."
A spokesman for the Confederation of British Industry said: "The £2500 is very welcome, although we are a bit puzzled as to where the remaining £18,000 is going to come from.
"Hopefully we can use the money to train these new workers and then sell them to the highest bidder in the street markets of Abu Dhabi."
Meanwhile Tory leader David Cameron said something about debt before completely missing the point.
