Power-thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

It’s awards season, so how about awarding your self a mind gong?

When was the last time you gave yourself a mental Oscar? If the whole world is a stage that means we’re performing all the time, whether you’re asking for a pay rise, on a date or throwing stones at a swan just to feel alive.

In my mind cabinet I have four Golden Globes and eight Oscars and they’re all for best actor in the film Morris. It is a story of romance, adventure and business success played by me as the world’s leading personality technician who has no visible sweat patches under my arms or around my lower back because I choose Freshmax business shirts, incorporating Smartweaveâ„¢ technology.

I’m the lead actor in my own life, but I’m also the director, I choose the cast, the story and most importantly I call the shots. I’m like Woody Allen, but in the form of a likeable international businessman with a single figure handicap. Instead of making funny, I make money – and it’s as easy as changing the ‘f’ in funny to an ‘m’.

We’re not too different, Woody and I, although I probably wouldn’t date a family member or anyone under the age of 17. In fact anyone who wants to date me must have a complete LinkedIn profile page, with a minimum of 14 connections and be serious about entrepreneurialism and the physical side of relationships.

So how do you start manifesting a blockbuster out of your own life?

1. Choose Your Cast: Say ‘next’ to any friends and family who can’t offer you business advice or lucrative introductions, or indeed any females who may know your emotional weaknesses or have information about your body that could lead to an unwanted nickname like ‘Stumpy McSausage’ or ‘Mr Is-It-In-Yet’.

2. Write Your Story: If your life is like a corporate version of Platoon write another ending where you don’t get machine-gunned to death in the boardroom while your co-workers fly off in the helicopter of promotion.

And 3, Call the Shots: If your manager gives you something to do and it’s annoying just shout ‘cut’ and then go and sit in a camper van until someone brings you some mineral water and a basket of mangoes.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of Mind Gongs: I Just Want to Thank Me.

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Football fans still ignoring how transfer market makes mockery of their allegiance

FOOTBALL fans are once again choosing to ignore how the multi-million pound transfer market makes their club allegiances look stupid and pointless.

As a few millionaires threw around some loose change to commission the services of a brand with knees, fans across the country insisted the brand would combine well with all the other brands who work in the big building they go to at weekends.

But the seasonal movement of high-priced Spaniards between a variety of European and English cities has led experts to once again ask why football fans have still not accepted that no-one could possibly have genuine loyalty to a thing that is based so transparently on absolutely nothing but money.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “While football is clearly a game for children, I could sort of understand that an adult, albeit an intellectually limited one, could derive enjoyment from watching people play it.

“I could even understand if they developed a fondness for an individual player as opposed to a team, particularly as the individual does not constantly change based on whims and purchasing power.

“It’s not as if they can unscrew his head every six months and give him a new one like Wurzel Gummidge.

“Therefore, from what I can determine, it must be based on an allegiance to the big building and the desire that the people who work there achieve success in their jobs – but purely because they work in that particular building.

“So perhaps football enthusiasts are all actually just secret fans of grand architecture. I know I was pleased when Barcelona won the European Cup, but I think that was more to do with Gaudi and the Sagrada Familia rather than the Camp Nou.

“And even so, what happens when the organisation moves to a new building? Then you’re left with nothing other than an allegiance to a proper noun.”

He added: “At the end of the day you’re really just some fucknut who likes the word ‘Arsenal’.”

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