One Woman's Week: Prole Model

By Karen Fenessey

THIS week, I have gained a glimpse into the disturbing mess that fills up the minds of today’s youth. My investigative senses were pricked by a discovery in the school computer lab which thrust me into the distasteful world of eating disorders, such as bulimia. I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of pointy, jabby little women with downy coats of body hair will grow out of the morons who make up the female contingent of our school’s P7s.

On my way to lunch, I noticed that the door to the computer lab was ajar. Upon further investigation, I exposed a P7 girl, whose name is Courtney. My moves were stealthy like the leopard, and I’m not exaggerating when I say, “That girl nearly shat herself”. She clumsily clicked away the page she’d been looking at and stuffed her things into her bag. With a red face of shame, she scuttled off as I yelled my authority at her for showing such lunchtime disobedience. It was only as I was chasing that coward out of the room that I stopped and thought, “Hey! Wait a minute…” She had stuffed her camera into her bag- what had she been doing with it?

I went back to the computer to investigate. When I clicked back a page, I found some photographs of what I can only describe as ‘Courtney’s midriff’ uploaded onto a site called ‘Pro-Ana’. Courtney had accompanied her pictures with a little message which left me in no doubt that ‘Pro Ana’ is actually text-speak for ‘Eating disorder!’ She had written about how she was so proud of her progress because she could see her ribs now and had only eaten half a rice cracker that day. This was pure lies – I couldn’t see any of Courtney’s ribs in that photo and she was obviously holding her stomach in (plus, the shot was totally amateurish). Some of the other members of the site had already sent messages to her, like “Wow – you are inspirational” and “It’s only a matter of time before you can see your chest bones too”.

I knew then that it was my duty to expose both this faddy nonsense and Courtney for what they truly are (she’ll learn not to run off when Miss Fennesey is demoralising!) Posing as a 29 year old called ‘Carrie’ I left the following message:
“As the only adult here, I feel it’s appropriate to point out a few home truths to you gals. No number of rice crackers will change the low-calibre stock you’re from. It’s about time that you got over this stupid fad and admit that you are never going to be models. Not everyone has the model-gene which is so crucial if you want to be famous and universally adored. Sometimes I regret turning down a career in modelling myself. I am one of these sickening people who can eat whatever they want and still look stunning, but I knew when it came down to it that I wanted to use my superior brain to get ahead in life and not my visible chest bones. Why can’t you all look to women like Jordan and Britney Spears? They are not all stunted up like a fucking refugee, but curvy and successful women who are totally happy with their bodies. Marie-Claire magazine writes that you people are ill and deserve sympathy, but we both know that you are just a bunch of attention seeking munters who will never get an honours degree from Strathclyde University. Well, I can’t sit about wasting my day here- I have a date tonight with my boyfriend, Donny, where I will probably eat as much as I want and then have sex because I drive men wild! PS- Courtney does not look like this picture in real life. She is actually quite chubby and yesterday I saw her eating an entire bag of Haribo Tangfastics in the playground.”

I can only pray that my words have hit home.

Balls Calls For Return To Old-Fashioned Bullying

THE Government is demanding a return to traditional methods of bullying after an upsurge in the use of mobile phones to exchange threats and insults.

Ed Balls, the schools minister, said many of the skills honed over centuries in British school playgrounds, including the nipple twist, the wedgie, and the 'ball-rack', were being lost as children embraced 'cyber bullying'.

He described the new breed as, "a pathetic bunch who were unlikely to put the shitters up anyone, unlike the extraordinarily violent Billy Timmins who made me piss myself with fear at least twice a day".

Mr Balls said: "Anyone can use a mobile phone or Blackberry to fire off an abusive email, at any time of the day or night. In fact, I'm sending one to Douglas Alexander right now.

"We want to see kids enjoying the sense of community that comes from getting into a gang and physically picking on the one kid in the school – let's call him Douglas – with no sense of style and the wrong trainers."

"A few years ago mobile phones were so huge they could really do some damage if you hit someone. You'd barely feel one of the new ones, so people send a text instead. Pathetic.

"We want to see a child – let's call him Douglas – grabbed by his arms and legs and his balls rammed repeatedly into an iron post.

"We want to see him chased round a big table until he is exhausted and his pants ripped off in front of a jeering crowd. We want to see a commitment to super-wedgies.

"If we can do it in Cabinet, you can do it in the playground."