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My Wedding Is Going To Be So Much Better Than Yours

Just three weeks to go and I'm so excited. The final preparations are being made and I can assure you it is going to be a magical day. So much better than yours.

The theme will be 'Lillies'. A spray in the church and delicate, oval arrangements on every table. You chose roses, did you not? Are you actually a member of the Cilla Black fan club?

My dress is being flown-in from a workshop in the hills above Perugia. It is a dazzling combination of scrubbed tafita and the most exquisite hand-ruffled lace. My friends cried when I showed them the initial sketches. My dressmaker, Senor Allessandro, has given it the 'codename' 'Project Angel'. I understand you bought your dress from a shop. Tell me, did your husband begin his affair that day?

Upon arrival at the reception each guest will be handed a flute of chilled vintage Tattinger with a fresh raspberry floating playfully on top. At your wedding you served Cava. Perhaps you meant to be fashionable. Or were you just being frugal? You may as well have passed round a lukewarm bottle of Tizer with bogies in it.

For the entree we are serving roast veal fillet with risotto of morels, crispy salsifi and champagne veloute. Delicate, sophisticated, nuanced. A sheer delight. At your wedding you served char-grilled chicken breast and baked salmon. When I told my caterer about your menu he rolled his eyes and uttered just one word: "Swill".

Our honeymoon will begin with scuba-diving in Zanzibar and then to a mountain retreat in Bhutan. No phones, no television, no internet. Just two people, gloriously in love. Remind me, how many diseases did you bring back from your two weeks in Phuket?

All in all I think you will agree that it is shaping up to be an absolutely enchanting, unforgettable occasion. Unlike your wedding which was a load of shite.

Foreign Office Has No Idea Who Foreign Secretary Is

AFTER months of speculation, civil servants at the Foreign Office have admitted that they do not know who the Foreign Secretary is.

A source said: "It's been pretty stressful for everyone since the last one left, whoever that was.

"These days we just refer to anyone even vaguely familiar that we pass in the corridor as 'Secretary of State'.

"We had the Iranian ambassador in here last week. Christ only knows who he wound up talking to."

The source added: "There is a growing John Reid faction though Peter Hain is running a close second, meanwhile there's some fud on the South East Asia desk who thinks it's still Malcolm Rifkind.

"There's also a guy who works in the canteen who absolutely insists that it's Margaret Beckett, which I think is just great."