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'You're so much better at presentations than I am': Six workplace acts of betrayal

OFFICES are snake pits of deceit and betrayal, where evil co-workers plot to make you do more work while they go for lunch early. Watch out for these devious ploys. 

‘You’re so much better at presentations than I am’

Only the true scumbags of this earth would force their peers into public speaking. Next time they try it, hit them with a skilful defensive move: ‘I only got better through experience, this could be a great learning opportunity for you.’ Ha. F**k you, colleague.

‘When are you free?’

The humane thing to do when scheduling a meeting is to carelessly chuck out a date and time on email months in advance to look as if you’re doing something useful. Then, closer to the date, the other person can justifiably claim to have missed it in their inbox, and unfortunately they already have something scheduled. Planning it around them leaves them with no excuse and no way out. Cruel.

‘I’ve CC’d your manager in’

Making you accountable for a professional task is the lowest of low blows. How about you CC in their partner on the flirty conversations you heard them having at the Christmas do? 

‘We should make this an evening thing too’

Yes, definitely schedule in a drinks reception and networking for four hours after you’re meant to have clocked off. Because you’ll be paid for those hours too, right? No, you’ll have to make smalltalk with business twats late into the evening and you’ll be reimbursed for your time with two dried-up canapes.

‘We’re going out for lunch’

When they already know you’ve brought in your sad vat of worthy homemade soup. Any shred of smugness you were able to get from your healthy, cost-effective choice is dashed the second you imagine them gorging their evil faces on lovely stringy pizza which doesn’t taste of broccoli.

‘Are you walking to the station?’

Anyone with a shred of basic human decency knows that commuting time is the one bit of the day for no talking. A podcast, maybe, but otherwise silence. If someone inserts themselves in here, you are legally allowed to murder them. No court in the land will convict you. In fact judges encourage it because it’s so annoying.

Why you don't want to be connected to the South anyway: A guide for Northerners

HIGH Speed 2 may never happen, but is that as bad as it sounds? Here’s why Northerners should be grateful not to be connected to the South.

Have you seen how f**king expensive it is?

A pint of the shit beer they drink can cost upwards of a fiver. Their cramped, hutch-like dwellings easily go for half a million. Why would you want to bankrupt yourself by popping down to the South when everything is better and more affordable up North? If you’re after a cheap day out somewhere culturally different, that’s what the Midlands are for.

Southern food is crap

The North perfected fine cuisine centuries ago with the invention of Yorkshire puddings, Lancashire hotpot and Eccles cakes. There is no logical reason to hop on a train and eat inferior imitations of these dishes in shitholes like East Worthing or Kent. You’re certainly not touching fancy cordon bleu rubbish in London where it’s £5,000 for a slice of la-di-dah toast. The South even f**ks up straightforward foods like barm cakes by getting the name wrong.

The South is where Southerners live

An obvious fact that’s often overlooked in reports about the progress of HS2. The South’s population of metropolitan faeries is easily the worst thing about it, and the completion of a connecting train line risks giving these soft, workshy pansies easy access to your precious Northern motherland. The government should be investing in a wall to seal the South off instead.

It’s an eyesore

The North is home to the stunning vistas of the Lake District and the Peak District, whereas the South is blighted by the wastelands of Bournemouth and Plymouth. Even the picturesque bits like the Cotswolds get repetitive after five minutes. If you’re really desperate to see how bad the South looks, save yourself the trauma of visiting by doing a Google image search instead.

You hate London

Remember that time you accidentally overshot Crewe and ended up in Euston station? How could you forget? It was like a waking nightmare: people being busy, interesting landmarks, a wide range of cuisines and cultures… do you really want a high speed link to this hellish dystopia? You’d rather have a grimy bus service to Anthrax Island.

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