Is your first month in a new job going better than Liz Truss's?

STARTED a new job recently? Wondering how you’re doing, comparatively? Find out how your first month stacks up against the prime minister’s:

Did you make a good first impression?

A) No. I spent my first day walking around with my flies undone, spilt scalding coffee over the CEO, and my car got trapped under the barrier
B) Yes. I gave a rousing speech about how brilliant I would be, though the audience let me down by not knowing when to applaud

Are you getting on with your new team?

A) Not really. A joke I made on the first day got me called in for a verbal warning, they deliberately time lunch for when I’ve finished mine and they all wear headphones
B) Yes, because I got rid of the dead wood and hired a new team who all think I’m great. Who cares what the old team think!

Have you demonstrated your skillset?

A) I think they’ve twigged that I lied on my CV about knowing Photoshop, and Powerpoint, and Excel, and Word. I thought they’d be easier to pick up
B) Undoubtedly. Not just as a consummate public speaker but as a confident interviewee with the facts at her fingertips and a valiant economic visionary

Got a nickname yet?

A) The Liability. Shitface. Cannon Fodder. Fired Yet? The 40-Year-Old Intern. And F**kwit.
B) The Iron Lady and She Who Is Not For Turning, though they’re sort of inherited.

Any catastrophic mistakes?

A) Yeah, I got confused and managed to wipe the servers containing the last six years’ financial records just before an audit. Since then I’m not allowed to use a computer. Bit worried I won’t pass my probation?
B) Absolutely not. The pound did suffer a wobble, and the Bank of England fussed about nothing, and there’s been a slight issue with the polls that will correct in no time and there’s been one minor direction change, but apart from that it’s a triumph

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Congratulations! You’ve had one of the worst first months in a new role since Sam Allardyce managed England, but it’s nowhere near as bad as Liz Truss’s. You will shortly be fired.

Mostly Bs: Bad news! You’re even worse than the most terrible f**k-up any office has ever seen, proving yourself to be incompetent in every department. But you’re safe in your role until the end of 2023, Liz.

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Major life improvements you'll keep up for all of two days

HAS the moment finally come? To sort your shit out and find the new, better you? Will it last until Thursday?

Sleep hygiene

No more scrolling your ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s brother’s Instagram into the small hours. You’ll be loaded on chamomile tea and asleep by 10pm, only using Instagram to post about your smug life choices. Until you realise Netflix at night is far preferable to yoga at dawn and apps that listen to you breathe all night are creepy.

Life organising

No more wasting time ransacking the house for your keys, wallet or sense of self-worth. You’re implementing goddamn systems. Meal plans on the fridge, dishwashers stacked according to YouTube, clothes folded practically before they’re off. For a day-and-a-half, before you decide embracing chaos is key to your identity.

Anger management

Farewell to the impatient, teeth-clenching monster getting passive-agressive to baristas who f**k up coffee orders, moving to openly agressive when it’s suggested you chill out, it’s just a latte. From now on, you’ll inhale deeply and go to your happy place when the next cinema seat to you has nachos. Until Wednesday when you headbutt a bus stop.

Focus on others

When did you last think about other people? And not in a ‘she cannot pull off that top’ way? That changes today. The new you is generous, caring, giving, holding open doors, sharing with strangers, handing fivers to the homeless. The old you comes back with a bang on Thursday when a taxi driver gives you the Vs and you think ‘f**k that prick’.

Health and wellness

The world is falling apart, but that doesn’t mean your body needs to. Cut the junk, throw away those secret fags, exercise and buy an eight-pound bag of chia seeds to be all your snacks from now on. Tell everyone how much better life is when you only eat food that tastes awful. Hope your friends are forgiving when you’re caught eating a McFlurry in 48 hours’ time.

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