12 things the Daily Mail thinks you're doing when working from home

20th April 2023

THIS week the Daily Mail claimed homeworking will cause the same urban blight of drugs, crime and homelessness that has gripped San Francisco. Here’s what they think you get up to.

Making a list of small business owners to kill

You’re already taking their livelihoods, why not their lives?

Sitting on a big pile of money labelled ‘takeaway coffee’

We’ve changed our minds about fancy coffee being wasteful and now it’s the only thing between Britain and a second Great Depression.

Making one million pounds from your OnlyFans account

With the boss out of the way you can show your ringpiece on the internet for money.

Playing golf

Because the main reason to save money and avoid a hellish 8am commute is to knock a little ball into a hole with suburban fascists in plus fours.

Renting your spare bedroom to an illegal immigrant

He’s probably working in there, too. ILLEGALLY.

Putting unnecessary strain on our wonderful NHS

Most injuries happen in our own kitchens, making working from home as dangerous as being a fisherman or US Navy SEAL.

Giving unnecessary help to our corrupt and wasteful NHS

Ambulance calls are down with fewer cars on the road, so where’s the money going? Socialist bureaucrats, lazy nurses and posh, patient-murdering doctors, that’s where!

Secretly working two other jobs to the detriment of your official employer

We’re unsure if today’s employees are workshy dolts or sly super-entrepreneurs. But you’re still scum.

Throwing darts at a big piece of paper with the word ‘productivity’ on

You’re making a mockery of capitalism, the thing that gave us Furbies and next-day delivery.

Running an illegal sourdough baking ring

Only by working from home can you nurture your starter and maximise profits.

Going on TikTok all day

Because you couldn’t possibly do this at your desk at your piss-easy office job.

Vaping while riding an E-scooter into an innocent child, maiming them

Not sure how you manage this in your one-bedroom flat, but it’s the type of thing young people (defined as under 60) do these days. Bring back the birch.

Tales of excess from Michael Gove's rooftop cocaine hut

20th April 2023

LIKE Studio 54, Michael Gove’s cocaine hut on the roof of the Department for Levelling Up, Housing & Communities is legendary for its parties. Civil service insider Tom Logan reminisces.

Getting naked with Kate Moss and Therese Coffey

The Cristal was flowing freely in the hut, as was the Colombian marching powder. Michael made an entrance as usual in his gangsta pimp gear and said: ‘Hey, who needs clothes anyway?’ Before I knew it I was dancing naked to I Feel Love with Kate Moss and environment minister Therese Coffey. It was crazy. And mentally scarring.

We were so high we almost bombed Belgium

I was partying with the Brexit crowd and Michael, off his tits, said: ‘I’m sick of these negotiations. Why don’t we just bomb Brussels?’ And Lord Frost goes ‘Don’t talk shit, you can’t do that’ and Mikey says ‘Yeah I can.’ He gets out his phone and a few minutes later he says: ‘Right, four RAF Tornadoes are on their way to bomb the Council of Ministers.’

As a senior civil servant I was pretty sure we shouldn’t bomb Belgium. Luckily I’d only had a few lines so I was fairly straight and I managed to get the airstrike cancelled. Sure, I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was shitting myself. I’ve got a gold-plated pension to think of.

The time Iggy Pop snorted a bowl of Twiglets

One night Lindsay Lohan was really hitting on me, but I kept getting distracted by a guy trying to smoke a bowl of Twiglets. F**k me, it was Iggy Pop. He thought they were Thai sticks and wouldn’t be convinced they were just nasty office party nibbles, so I left him to it.

I was really getting somewhere with Lindsay, only then Iggy tried to snort the Twiglets and collapsed. Later it turned out one had got lodged dangerously close to his brain. It was left to me to call an ambulance, and by then Lindsay was banging Jacob Rees-Mogg in the toilets. So thanks a f**king lot, Iggy.

Michael challenges Johnny Depp to a drugs competition

Politicians are very competitive. That’s why they’re successful with no actual skills or talent. So when Johnny Depp showed up at the hut, all full of himself after winning his libel case, Michael said ‘I bet I can take more drugs than you’. So they get stuck into the coke, meth, microdots, E, ketamine, shrooms – you name it. It could have turned messy, but luckily they both passed out after a few hours.

The night Nadine Dorries punched out a DJ

A DJ from Heaven was playing Hi-NRG and disco and Michael and me were coming up on our first two Es and loving it, when Nadine Dorries storms past. There was always a bit of tension between Michael and Nadine because of Boris, but it’s the role of the civil service to remain neutral.

I had a soft spot for Nadine though, always completely off her head, even if she had a Newsnight interview in 10 minutes. Anyway, then I see her arguing with the DJ going: ‘What’s this shit? Play some f**king hardcore!’ He refused and she only punched his lights out. ‘Mad Nad’ indeed.

The night Lee Anderson fell off the roof

Michael had invited a bunch of Red Wall MPs for some reason. Not my type, bunch of yobs really, and they were hitting the booze like it was going out of fashion. I was sorting out Trinny Woodall with some showbiz sherbert when I heard a scream. It turned out one of them, Lee Anderson, had fallen off the roof – and it was eight f**king storeys down. Luckily he landed on his head – any other part of his body and it could have been fatal.