War

THE release of Wikileaks founder Julian Assange yesterday caused a senior American to shout 'godammit' and bang his fist on a walnut conference table.

DEFENCE secretary Liam Fox has warned that cuts to Britain's defence budget will leave the country open to attack from massive foreign wasps that do not share our values.

AN estimated 60,000 fans are to gather at Wembley Stadium for a series of charity lectures on the intractable nature of the war in Afghanistan.

WE'VE got bloody lasers and everything now, the Royal Navy said last night.

A MAJORITY of Britons would support a retro, 80s-style war with Argentina, especially if it was narrated by Stuart Maconie, it emerged last night.

BRITAIN'S top judge has accused the secret service of trying to keep everything a big secret.

RACISTS are damaging the reputation of the British Army and undermining its mission to kill brown people, it was claimed last night.

AL Qaeda is expected to focus its recruitment policy on ugly, fat people following the introduction of 'naked' airport scanners, it was claimed last night.

THERE was anger last night as European bureaucrats threatened to outlaw classic British puddings such as freckled ball bag and boiled arseholes.

GORDON Brown will this week tell the United Nations that Britain can no longer afford a fleet of multi-billion pound nuclear submarines it never needed in the first place.