War

THE former head of MI5 last night finally twigged that thing the rest of us realised about seven years ago.

MINUTES from Cabinet meetings in the run up to the Iraq war are expected to reveal how key decisions were made during a blood-soaked voodoo ritual.

A SERVING head of MI5 has appeared before the press for the first time and he is incredibly bald.

THE Prime Minister last night began the elimination of his enemies as he pledged to cleanse Britain of the virus of dissent.

FIVE people were killed by a bent cucumber last night just hours after the European Union scrapped its controversial regulations on twisted fruit.

MOST British people are looking forward to having a policeman stand on their windpipe, the home secretary said yesterday.

FUNDAMENTALIST Muslim clerics last night vowed to preach their message of hate via conference calls.

London, 26th of June, 1814HIS Grace the Duke of Wellington has implored Parliament to limit the active engagement of the British Army from the current obligation of 14 wars to a mere eight.

THE government faced fresh embarrassment last night after a Vanguard class nuclear submarine was found on board a commuter train.

TOP-secret documents left on a Surrey commuter train could have been picked up by anyone, even a Frenchman, MPs said last night.